loko

(This is what I looked like after 2 Loko’s Saturday night)

(CBS) -  Down a single Four Loko – one of several popular energy-plus-alcohol beverages – and you’re getting a ton of caffeine plus the equivalent of almost three beers. Some Four Loko fans say they like the “caffeinated malt beverage” because it gives them a paradoxical alert-but-relaxed feeling. But experts say it can be risky to combine alcohol and caffeine, whether you’re mixing Red Bull with booze or buying a ready-made two-in-one cocktail like Four Loko or Joose. But the party may be over for the makers of Four Loko. Attorneys general in Connecticut, New York, California, and other states are investigating the potential health risks of the drink, along with the marketing practices used to sell it, according to the Wall Street Journal.

I love watching shit like this blow up. I drank Four Loko for the first time this weekend, only to see someone emailing barstool about it by Sunday night and on Barstool Boston by Monday morning. Its like some Malcolm Gladwell Tipping Point shit except instead of talking about the popularity of Hush Puppies we’re talking about some downright illegal malt liquor that will FUCK you up. I mean I haven’t drank something this wacky since Cisco. You ever drink that shit? Bum wine they called “Liquid Crack.”  Bought it from North End liquors on Webster Ave once and vowed I would never drink it again. I was blackboozed to the point of no control.

And now along comes Four Loko. Cicso’s cousin. “Liquid Cocaine.” What exactly was the Tipping Point for this crazy Red Bull/malt liquor/amphetamine? How is it possible that all in one weekend KFC blacks out on Cranberry Lemonade Loko, Barstool readers are emailing about it, and El Pres is posting saying he’s never heard of it but needs to try it? Maybe it is sorta like the Icing phenomenon. We all know Smirnoff was behind that wave of popularity. So maybe Four Loko is backed by some crazy fuckin Mexican gangbangers across bodegas all over the country. Because I don’t know why but as soon as I was drinking that tall boy of Loko I wanted to start saying “essay” and “mang” and I felt like I should have been driving in a Cadillac with hydraulics. Why? Probably because that drink is filled with Angel Dust t and I was hallucinating I was Mexican. I dunno.

What I do know is that Loko fucked me up real quick. Hadn’t even finished one 24 oz and I was gettin wavy. I had to split the second one with T Money. Pretty sure that has like 4000% of your daily value of hallucinogenic PCP. But long story short, Four Loko is officially endorsed by your boy KFC. Granted the Cranberry Lemonade tasted like I was sipping on a 24 oz Jagrbomb and from what I understand the Watermelon flavor wasn’t much better. But if you need a pick me up and wanna get smashed real quick, your best bet is to get Loko.