“These Cops who work at Port Authority and the airport actually came to my house, made me breakfast, packed my clothes, and they didn’t pack them right the first time so I made them pack it again, and then they got like 15 cop cars together and they had like a big convoy and we all went to the airport.”

“Not only did I stand on line, but I HATE metal check. Its one of my least favorite things in the history of the world because I have knee replacement”

“This guy proceeds basically to search and pat me down for 15 minutes to the point that I was gonna slug him. It went on forever. It was like a second date by the time I was finished with this guy.”

Well there you have it folks. The official response to Escortgate. Absolute gold. Francesa the king with fucking army of slaves doing his bidding. He’s like a fucking Pharaoh or something. I’m surprised he didn’t get carried to Laguardia in one of those human carriages like Xerxes in 300. Just sitting inside a tent while police carry him with wooden planks on their shoulders. They’re probably gonna build him a pyramid next.

I’m really trying to wrack my brain and remember all the great Francesa moments over the past couple decades but him describing waiting on the “metal check” line is subtly one of the best moments of Mike’s career. It has everything – A) its a completely irrelevant, inconsequential story in which B) Mike acts like a hero as he C) butchers the correct terminology, D) blames his knee replacement surgery for something, and D) he paints himself as just an average joe. Thats basically Mike Francesa’s entire career in a nutshell.

I HATE METAL CHECK.