DAily MailBehind every Hollywood wardrobe malfunction or moment of stage fright, a red-carpet escort is waiting in the background, hired to ensure every step of the night runs smoothly. From Jessica Alba, Sharon Stone and Julia Roberts, escort Christopher Gaida is their little secret: never far from their side, he guides them from point A to Z, dodging every red-carpet mishap along the way. The 38-year-old, whose tell-all book Arm Candy comes out today, told the New York Post: ’They are used to having lines prepared for them, and they get several takes. These shows are mostly live, and they have to be themselves, which is sometimes hard.  ’I’ve heard from a number of people that I’m “the Celebrity Whisperer,”‘ he added, saying his title as ‘escort’ has nothing to do with its usually sordid and sexual connotations. In 2007, a few minutes before Megan Fox – then a Hollywood newcomer – was to go onstage at the Teen Choice Awards, she started panicking, he recalled. So Mr Gaida, her escort for the evening, did his job and calmed her down. ‘I told her she was fantastic, that she looked great, to relax, everybody loves her,’ he said. ‘No b.s., just what I really, truly thought.’ Similarly, when he was hired to escort Jessica Alba at the 2007 Taurus World Stunt Awards, he suggested backstage that she choose a different dress before the carpet. Taking his advice, she slipped into navy blue sequin Chanel number, he said. ’They’re hiring me because they want my expertise. I feel like it’s my job to give my opinion.’

Fuck you, Celebrity Whisperer! I work a job where I don’t ever even shower before noon and even I think your job is a fucking joke. Guy gets to live his life on the red carpet with all the smokiest smokes the planet has to offer just to tell them they look pretty and shit? Bro theres no such thing as being an expert in that. If Megan Fox was nervous before going on stage I’d tell her “Megan, nobody gives a shit what you’re about to say. Everyone wants to fuck you and thats all that matters.” BOOM, crisis averted. “Excuse me, Ms. Alba – you look a lot more like the mom Jessica Alba than you do the Dark Angel Jessica Alba, go change your dress. You’re not gonna make it onto Guess That Ass in that number.” BAM, saved Jessica Alba’s career. These are all things that pretty much any dude on the planet can do. Offer up your opinion on how celebrity chicks look? I do that all day every day and you don’t see me on the red carpet writing books and shit. He probably gets paid a ton of loot and fucks all the C List chicks too. Well played, Celebrity Whisperer. You motherfucker.