Metro UKThe crazy German decided to have the rather painful tattoo after a radio station ran a competition to win a £20,000 Mini Cooper. The brief: whoever pulled the craziest stunt to get the car would win.There were a lot of crazy stunts put forward by listeners, but Andreas won by a short head,’ said one of the competition’s organisers. Radio listeners were then treated to Muller’s cries of agony while the unique piece of branding was created. Muller claims the pain was worth it, saying: ‘Once I’m sitting in the car, it won’t matter anymore. Then the pain will be gone and it’ll be alright.’ It has not been reported whether or not Mr Muller has a girlfriend. Unsurprisingly, Muller’s offer to have the car manufacturer’s name branded on to his penis topped the list of crazy suggestions.

I’m not gonna sit here in my ivory tower and tell you there’s no way I’d ever get my dick tattooed. If the price is right, I’ll do just about anything. You wanna give me the billion dollar yacht? I’ll have a 1 with nine zeros tatt’d on my dick faster than you can say penis ink. When I’m sitting on my floating replica of the streets of Monte Carlo while you and your untainted penis are hanging on your 10 foot fishing boat, we’ll see who has the last laugh. Plus I think it would be kinda cool that my default dick would have a 1 on it and then when shit got hot and heavy it would grow to say 1,000,000,000. And by 1,000,000,000, I mean 100 because there’s no way you’re fitting nine zeros on there. Ah fuck it, “Mini” is probably a more appropriate dick tat for me no matter what the prize is.

But I’m getting way off track here. Point is, one of those goofy Mini Coopers ain’t worth getting your dick inked. Those cars fucking suck. They’re like one step above a VW bug. Might as well go for a Kia at that point. 1 less letter and better gas mileage.

PS – Next time some foreigner tries to tell me that Europe is more sophisticated than America I’m going to punch them right in their tattooed dick.