Telegraph - Janice Tunnicliffe spends every night playing Scrabble by candlelight with her husband because she claims to have a rare condition called electrosensitivity. She cannot bear to be anywhere near electromagnetic fields of any kind and, as a result, she cannot watch television, listen to the radio or talk on a mobile phone and has been left completely isolated from the modern world by her condition. Mrs Tunnicliffe, 55, was struck down with the illness after receiving chemotherapy for bowel cancer three years ago. Since then she has suffered constant headaches, chest pains, nausea and tingling in her arms and legs whenever she is near electrical devices or items that emit a signal. Her only relief in this time was when her village, near Mansfield in rural Nottinghamshire, suffered a temporary power cut. She said: “Different things give me different feelings but it’s mostly headaches and nausea. iPhones make feel really sick within about 20 minutes of being near one so even though I might not realise someone has one straightaway, I soon find out. “Wifi makes me feel like I have a clamp at the back of my head which is squeezing the life out of me. It’s completely draining and a home hub can totally immobilise me – I’m left unable to move my arms and legs.”

I haven’t seen a bigger load of shit since the dystonia cheerleader who said she could only walk backwards. Hey Janice you know what gives me headaches? When broads nag me. Am I allergic to broads? Don’t think so. You know what makes me nauseous? Reading Manzo blogs. Am I allergic to those? Actually theres a strong chance I am at this point, but thats another ridiculous story for another day.

Don’t blame my Wi-Fi connection for the fact that you are having a shitty day. I wake up aching virtually every single day of my life. Its because I’m an out of shape piece of shit. You don’t see me blaming my microwave for the fact that I can’t do a single pull up. When I’m hungover and I wanna throw up all over the bathroom its not because my toaster is burning my waffles, its because I am in the developing stages of alcoholism and I drink entirely too much on any given night. I get pins and needles in my legs every day and its because I don’t have a real job and I blog from my bed and my extremities fall asleep. When I’m in the Apple store and I want to kill myself its not because the iPods and Macbooks are telling me to. Its because I’m surrounded by douche hipsters.

So long story short here, pretty much every crappy physical symptom that arises is probably the result of something crappy in your life. Not your blender or your coffee maker.

PS – I’m pretty sure that Ghostbusters detector thing she’s using in that picture would require some electricity no? Oh and please spare me the cancer hate mail. I’m almost never wrong about these things.