OutsideOnline 65-pound rabid beaver attacked two sisters at Virginia’s Lake Anna, leaving them with serious injuries. Annabella and Alyssa Radnovich, ages 8 and 11, were swimming in the lake Sunday morning when the large rodent approached. “She could see this dark shadow underneath her, so she thought it was a person,” the girls’ mother said. The beaver bit Alyssa as she tried to get out of the water, then went for Annabella. An uncle shot the animal with a BB gun, finally killing it with a hunting knife. One of the girls received stitches, but the other’s injuries included muscle damage and could not be immediately closed due to infection risk. The police department took the animal for testing and confirmed it had rabies.

Do you know when the absolute worst time to get attacked by a 65 pound rabid beaver is? The same week as a movie theater shooting tragedy. Ain’t nobody talking about these girls. As far as I’m concerned they were attacked by a gigantic prehistoric lake monster. But so many people lost their lives at the Dark Knight shooting that everyone is like “Yea yea yea, 65 pound rabid beaver, 65 pound shmabid shcmeaver. Did you hear about how the shooter’s mom knew he was the gunman???”

Sorry girls. Hope you don’t have rabies.

Looks like I can never go to the movie theater again or go swimming in a lake.

PS – Last time I was attacked by a giant beaver, I had to fight ya motha off with a stick. ZING. Nailed it.