(Guess which one’s which)
NY Daily News - A saucy Staten Island restaurateur who impregnated a Bonanno crime associate’s wife had two choices once word got out about the bun in the oven: Pay with his life or cough up a lot of dough. Cuckolded gangster Salvatore Volpe testified Tuesday that the unidentified restaurateur shelled out $50,000 to escape getting whacked – with $10,000 of the amount going to a Garden State crime family for brokering the deal. “Instead of [the restaurant owner] getting killed, he’d have to pay a tax,” Volpe said in Brooklyn Federal Court at the murder trial of Bonanno boss Vincent (Vinny Gorgeous) Basciano. “It was basically a penalty.” The mobster said he didn’t initially seek counsel from a divorce lawyer, but from his crew leader, Bonanno soldier John Palazzolo. Palazzolo confronted the gigolo, who also didn’t lawyer up but, through a contact, reached out for protection from the New Jersey-based DeCavalcante crime family, according to Volpe. While the DeCavalcantes believed the restaurant owner should have been killed in his trattoria’s basement, the Bonannos sought a more realistic ending to the daddy drama. They agreed on a $50,000 tax – and the DeCavalcantes kept $10,000 for changing their minds about killing the guy they were supposed to protect.
I’d be hands down the worst gigolo ever. I’m so bad at sex it’s actually unbelievable. Which makes perfect sense. Like I don’t know why I expect to be good in bed. Its not like I can run fast or jump high or lift a lot of weight, you know? If you’re bad at every other physical activity, then you’re bad at sex too. For some reason guys just convince themselves they can F good. Its like when you step on the golf course and you expect to be able to par every hole like some professional.
Anyway back to me sucking, You wanna hear my two most awful and embarrassing sex stories? 1) I got a nose bleed in the middle of sex. Who the fuck over the age of 7 gets a nose bleed? And the worst part was once I saw the blood I assumed it might have been hers. You know, sometimes that kinda stuff can happen. And she took one look at me and was like “umm I think its you.” Unbelievable. We just stopped mid session and I stuffed my nose with some toilet paper. Most awkward moment of my life until…
2) I headbutted the shit out of the same girl. She was on top and I was trying to be some sort of porn super hero and flip her on to her back and get on top all in one motion and her head bounced off the bed and my forehead SMASHED into her mouth. My initial reaction was to check and see if I knocked her teeth out, thats how violent of a crash it was. Her lip BLEW up instantaneously. Looked like she just went 15 rounds in a boxing match. So immediately I’m like “OH MY GOD let me get you some ice.” She was like no no its ok just finish. So I half hardheartedly keeping going and as I finishing she was legitimately laughing at me. I’m the fucking worst.
So if you wanted the romantic sexual stud, you should have hired the Latin gigolo. But if you want a pale Irish who will probably cause you bodily harm but might supply some witty one liners during pillow talk, you’ve come to the right place.