DECEMBER 21--A federal employee was formally reprimanded this month for excessive workplace flatulence, a sanction that was delivered to him in a five-page letter that actually included a log of representative dates and times when he was recorded “releasing the awful and unpleasant odor” in his Baltimore office. In a December 10 letter accusing him of “conduct unbecoming a federal officer,” the Social Security Administration employee was informed that his “uncontrollable flatulence” had created an “intolerable” and “hostile” environment for coworkers, several of whom have lodged complaints with supervisors. The worker, a 38-year-old Maryland resident, reportedly provided evidence that he suffered from “some medical conditions” that, at times, caused him to be unable to work full days. But a SSA manager noted in the reprimand letter that, “nothing that you have submitted has indicated that you would have uncontrollable flatulence. It is my belief that you can control this condition.” After stating that, “It is my belief that you can control this condition,” the author of the reprimand letter then noted, “The following dates show the time of your flatulence.” What followed was a log listing 17 separate dates (and 60 specific times) on which the employee passed gas. For example, the man’s September 19 output included nine instances of flatulence, beginning at 9:45 AM and concluding at 4:30 PM.

No wonder Social Security is headed down the fucking tubes. It doesn’t have anything to do with the Baby Boomers and the economy and all that shit. Its because the goddam government workers spend all day dicking around. We got one guy who just farts his asshole off all day long. We got another guy sitting there documenting every time he farts. Like one of those nerds who brings a scorebook to a baseball game and keeps score all game. I’d have to argue that guy is worse than the fart bandit. Sitting there marking down the date and time of every time this guy does ducks in the office. “Wednesday, September 15. Silent but deadly. 1pm.” “Thursday, September 16th. Beefy. 2pm” “Friday, September 17th. Wet shart. 3pm” Just keeping meticulous notes on this guy’s sphincter napalm like some sort of court stenographer except he’s got a mouth full of ass all day.

Hey folks in case you didn’t realize we’re about to fall off some social security cliff. Taxes and deficits and bout 5 billion old people about to milk the system dry. How about we close our assholes and our fart notebooks and get to work?

PS – I refuse to believe this guy farted only once on September 10th. Makes me question the validity of this whole list. No man farts only once. Especially not an uncontrollable flatulence monster.