Examiner – The administration is funding a $100,000 study of pregnant and “at-risk” 14-17-year-old girls on probation in Houston, Texas, to determine ways to help them choose safer lifestyles and avoid pregnancy, including better “condom negotiation” tactics. The National Institutes of Health, part of the Health and Human Services Department, is providing a University of Houstonresearcher the money because of the lack of study of female teen juveniles in trouble with the law. The goal, said the school, is to determine if intervention programs will help the kids make better life decisions. According to Danielle Parish, the assistant professor at the school’s Graduate College of Social Work who is conducting the NIH-funded effort, one of the big problems young girls need to learn is how to talk their boyfriends into using condoms. According to the school’s release, ”Parrish notes one of the big issues for this population of adolescent girls is condom negotiation. They may have a boyfriend who says it isn’t ‘cool’ to use a condom. To prepare the girls for these types of situations, the counselors and pediatricians will teach them how to negotiate condom use with their partner. The intervention also helps empower and motivate girls to make healthier choices regarding their alcohol use, smoking and prevention of unplanned pregnancy.”

Nothing better to put you in the mood for loving than a stern negotiation session about a piece of latex that will ruin the entire sexual experience for you. Oh yeah, let the debate begin. Are you as turned on as I am by arguing the pros and cons of safe sex? So hot right now.

No but seriously, everyone knows condoms suck. They just do. Now if you’re running around sticking your dick in random one-night sluts then yeah, maybe use a rubber unless you want your cock to eventually look like a Nerds Rope. But one of the key benefits to having a girlfriend is not having to use a condom. Like if you’re dating a girl right now – like really dating, she’s your girlfriend and shit – and she’s making you use a condom then I’d say it’s time to make some serious changes in your life. A girl who won’t commit to the pill will never fully commit to you. It’s simple psychology. Trust me, I dated a girl once.

But enough with giving money to these stupid studies already. Kids fuck, smart ones do it safely, minori… I mean not so smart ones are dumb about it. It’s life. No study or focus group or classroom session is going to change that. But kids, in the interest of full disclosure,  condoms are definitely the worst.