Good God. Somebody schedule this kid for surgery, stat!
KFC Editors Note - Osgood emailed me saying he had a friend who was a diehard Devil’s fan who wrote up a little something so that the New Jersey fans had some representation in this series. I had no intention of publishing it until I saw this kid’s nickname and his picture. Jiminy fucking cricket, Gumdrop! Forget about the NHL you need to focus your whole entire life on getting lap band surgery. Bottom line is that picture of him is borderline funny enough to be a Caption Contest, so I had to publish this. Havent brought someone on board based on just their name/appearance like this since I hired Feitelberg.
Well, well, well. For once it seems that the high hopes and endless cockiness of you Rangers fans was not for naught. You’re actually back in the Easter conference finals after fifteen long, shitty, cup-less years, and I’m not going to lie you deserve to be here. Congrats on your escape from mediocrity.
If the Devils taught me one thing through my cheering childhood, it’s to expect success regardless of outside expectations and that was honestly starting to get tough these past couple years. I came into this pre-season praying to just avoid a second regular season flop and the potential loss of captain Zach Parise. But just when I started to curb my expectations to the level of say, an Islanders fan, the ever-brilliant and status-quo king Lou Lamoriello came through with a sneakily brilliant coaching staff, a quietly dangerous offense, and no-name d-corps who’s sum is far greater than its individual parts. Make no mistake, Rangers fans, this ain’t your typical 90’s Devils team anymore. We’ll run you right over…
Then there’s our rock. I call him Marty. Many of you in blue choose to call him “fatty”, which is a terribly lame nickname in my expertly plump opinion. Take it from someone who’s deservedly been called a fatty far too many times to count. Where’s the effort? Where’s the creativity? The only thing fat is the circumference of Marty’s legendary cock. Anyone who can cuckold his brother-in-law must either be rocking a tripod or a million dollar bank account. Or in this case, both.
So obviously, I love my Devils, and I’m prouder of their effort this year than Osgood’s dad was when he found out the sex of his son’s significant other was against all odds female. My clairvoyant gut foresees a series full of stalemates, overtime thrillers and heart pounding intensity. Ultimately it’ll be decided by the goaltenders. It’s Marty v. Henry (which sounds way more American than it actually is), and while Brodeur’s cross-Hudson counterpart may be younger, hotter, and kind of on fire this season, he hasn’t won anything worth its weight in silver and I don’t see that changing until I’m rocking a waist size under 40. Which is never.
Prediction – No guarantees this time. No Matteau to save you now. Now’s our time for revenge. Take it to the bank, Devils in 7.