I watched Home Alone for the first time this Christmas season the other night. I’ve probably seen that movie no less than 250 times at this point. And yet every time I watch it, I feel like I see something new or come away with a new realization. Well this time I realized that pretty much everyone in the entire movie is an asshole. Maybe I was inspired by the Home Alone Honest Trailer that came out a couple weeks ago, but this time around I just came to realize that at any given moment, there’s a complete asshole on camera in this movie. I mean there are two felons robbing the neighborhood on Christmas and they don’t even crack the top 10 biggest assholes in this flick. So naturally its time we breakdown the biggest dicks in this movie. Look what you did you little jerks. (Note: Home Alone 2 Assholes Coming Tomorrow)
That Old Bitch and Jimmy from the Drugstore
Hey bitch why don’t you gawk a little harder at the kid with a completely reasonable question about his toothbrush, huh? Is it ADA approved or not? And don’t ask fucking Herb for help. You should know the answer.
And Jimmy. Christ. Don’t get me started on Jimmy. Harrrrdooo!! Dude I get it. Your dad is probably a real dickhead and made you get this part time job to earn money and show you responsibility. You take it real serious. Doesn’t mean you need to rat on a kid and send the police after him for swiping a goddam toothbrush. It ain’t comin out of your paycheck, is it? Relax.
Asshole Ratings: 5.0 out of 10
Kevin, you’re such a disease? Oh yea Jeff? Well look how you fucking turned out you weirdo ginger…
Asshole Rating: 6.0 out of 10
“You’re what the French call Les Incompetant.” Well Linnie over here in America you’re what we call a See You Next Tuesday. Maybe if you weren’t such a Seaward to your younger brother you’d actually have some sort of relationship with him and you would perhaps notice when he’s gone missing 2 fucking years in a row.
Asshole Rating: 6.0 out of 10
Bro can you tell me what the fuck you’re even doing in this movie?
Asshole Rating: 6.0 out of 10
Sally The Checkout Girl
Hey bitch whats with the 20 questions? Ring up my microwave dinner, orange juice, and water balloons and shut the fuck up. Or, follow up on your hunch that something here is fishy and perhaps save me from the emotionally catastrophic tragedy I’m about to endure? One or the other. Because this middle of the road judgmental routine is just making you look like an asshole.
Asshole Rating: 7.0 out of 10.
The Chicago Police Force
Perhaps the laziest, most ineffective police force of all time. We got Rose who’s just decided to straight up MailTime her career as a police dispatch. Officer BALLSACK shoving donuts in his mouth, pieces falling all over his telephone. Both passing Mrs. McCallister back and forth with absolutely less than zero interest in finding an abandoned child. Don’t worry though! We’ll send Officer Devereaux over to the house! He’ll knock on the door one, single time and declare everything fine! Nobody’s home. They must have counted their kids wrong. Assholes.
Asshole Rating: 7.5 out of 10.
The Flight Attendants all over the World
The only people less helpful than the Chicago Police Department are the flight attendants all over the fucking world who don’t do a goddam thing to help Kate McCallister. Here’s an idea, flight attendants – just let me walk on to whatever fucking plane I want to like you did with my entire family getting on the plane to Paris. My 8 year old son might be getting his fingers chewed off by now.
Asshole Rating: 7.5 out of 10
Fake Santa Claus
Hey dude its nighttime and you just had an 8 year old kid come up to you and tell you all he wants for Christmas is to have his missing family return to him. And what do you do? You give him 3 Tic Tacs and send him on his way with a real obnoxious “Don’t spoil your dinner” comment. If you see something, say something. Little kid just fucking flat out told you that he’s all alone. Amber Alert or something, bro.
Asshole Rating: 8.0 out of 10
Hi, I’m Mitch Murphy. I live across the street. You guys going out of town? We’re going to Orlando, Florida. Well, actually, first we’re going to Missouri to pick up my grandma. Did you know the McCallisters are going to France? Do you know if it’s cold there? Do these vans get good gas mileage?
GEE I DON’T KNOW KID HIT THE ROAD! Because not only are you bothering me with questions but you’re going to completely fuck up the headcount on the way to the airport. One could argue that this whole thing is your fault, you nosy little asshole.
Asshole Rating: 8.5 out of 10.
The McCallister Parents
Worst parents of all time. WORST. They fucking created Buzz McCallister for fucks sake. I mean do they realize Kevin is only 8 goddam years old? Its like they had completely given up on raising him at this point. Probably because they had like 15 kids in that family. Including Heather McCallister, who looked like she was about 30 years old. Hey Peter, maybe you should have pulled out for a change? Because clearly Kevin was a mistake child that you weren’t prepared to raise. They blame him for absolutely everything that goes wrong. No blame for the numerous other teenagers or adults in the family. Shove him in the fucking attic like he’s Anne Frank. And are so consumed with their own first class flight to Paris, don’t even realize he’s missing.
Oh and they can’t get in contact with ANYONE back in Chicago to check on Kevin? Yea I know the phones were down and yes, I know its the holidays. But the fact they can’t get in touch with anyone at all shows you just how big a pair of assholes these two are. Absolutely nobody likes them.
PS – Move your fucking statue. People keep running over it.
Asshole rating: 9.0 out of 10
You little Piss Pants piece of shit. Really when you think about it, Fuller McCallister and his bladder share the blame just as much as anybody else. If he didn’t piss the bed, Kevin wouldn’t have been afraid of getting peed on. Which means they would have put him in the attic with Kevin. Which means Kevin wouldn’t have been alone up there. No way both sets of parents would have forgotten both kids. If Fuller didn’t piss his pants and didn’t drink gallons of Pepsi, this whole crisis would have been averted.
Asshole Rating: 9.5 out of 10
Quite possibly the fattest, biggest, brownest asshole of all. You could certainly make that argument. I mean I don’t care how “Woof” she is, its a miracle Buzz had a girlfriend at all. Can you imagine Buzz getting a handjob? Fucking gross. Probably would have a mouth full of pizza while getting stroked. Buzz is just that classic bully asshole. A) He had a pet fucking tarantula, for Christ’s sake. 2) He wouldn’t let his brother sleep in his room if he was growing on his ass. Which, doesn’t even really make any sense. Does he mean that he wouldn’t even sleep in his own room just to spite Kevin? Because obviously they’d be attached if he was growing on his ass. Who knows. And D) He ate all the cheese pizza on purpose which really sparked this whole tragedy. The second biggest asshole in all of Home Alone
Asshole Rating: 10.0 out of 10.0
Hands down the biggest asshole in Home Alone. I’d take it as far to say that Frank McCallister is the biggest asshole in movie history. He’s rude, he’s selfish, he’s cheap, and he’s absolutely most definitely abusive. Like there is no doubt in my mind he beats his wife and kids. Not to mention he raised a kid who pisses the bed at age 7. I think the biggest asshole moment of the whole movie for Frank comes when he demands the stewardess fills up his champagne – Fill it up, please…fill it up FILL IT UP! – and then subsequently makes his wife steal the glass because its real crystal. If he fucking potty trained Fuller and didn’t overreact with the spilling of the soda “Look what ya did ya little jerk!” (Top 5 most memorable movie quotes ever), none of this would have happened.
Asshole Rating: 10.0 out of 10.0
And one of the sneaky biggest assholes of all: Kevin McCallister
I hate to be a stickler here, but you did wish to never see your family again. Like I know sometimes we say things we don’t mean. But you flat out said “I hope I never see any of you jerks again.” Be careful what you wish for. You called your Mom a dummy. For absolutely no reason you gave a horrendous tip and tortured that poor pizza delivery man. Hey real great prank, Kevin! I’m pretty sure Little Nero’s needs a new delivery man on the weekend’s because this kid is in a fucking psyche ward now probably. You stole a toothbrush. Trashed Buzz’s room. Oh and instead of numerous chances to simply go to the police station to prevent the robbery, you created a goddam funhouse of violence and horrors to torture a couple other humans. I mean who even thinks of the nail through the foot or the blow torch to the head. Only an asshole would have those thoughts. I bet Kevin McCallister is the type of kid who microwaved cats for fun and shit after school. I know he’s just defending his house but plain and simple Kevin is an asshole.
Asshole Rating: 9.0 out of 10.
Old Man Marley
I know he’s the hero in the end. Saves Kevin from getting his fingers chewed off and most likely murdered. But at the same time, anyone with the reputation that he savagely killed people and turned them into rock salt is probably kind of an asshole. Like you don’t get the nickname South Bend Shovel Slayer for nothin. Not to mention he holds one hell of a grudge to the point that he missed the majority of his granddaughter’s childhood. And would it kill you to smile every now and then? You’re scaring the whole neighborhood 24/7 with that scowl, no wonder they believe the rumors. He’s not in Uncle Frank territory by any means, but Old Man Marley is at least a 5.0 out of 10 on the Asshole Scale.
Heather why are you like 20 years older than all your siblings? And nice job acting all cocky with your Partridge in a Pear Tree joke. Too bad you counted wrong and probably ruined Kevin’s mental and emotional state for eternity. PS – You could get it, girl. Asshole rating: 5.0 out of 10.
Gus Polinkski, Polka King
Kind of the unsung hero here by offering to drive Kate McCallister home in the back of his truck. When the airlines couldn’t step up, Gus could. But lets not forget he left his fucking kid in a funeral home over night once. Poor kid didn’t speak for days on end after that. Its the only parenting worse than the McCallisters. Pigeon Lady says a good deed erases a bad deed but fuck that, your kid is scarred for life. Asshole Rating: 4.0 out of 10.
Little Nero’s Pizza Delivery Guy
Runs over the McCallister statue every time he shows up. Expects a big tip every time he delivers. Calls Kevin a cheapskate. Hey asshole you work in the service industry. The customer is always right. Maybe you should just consider it a wash considering you run over their property regularly. Leave it on the doorstep and get the hell out of here. Asshole Rating 7.0 out of 10.
Routinely murders people by mowing them down with a Tommy Gun. Kind of the biggest dickhead move of all. Seriously he pretty much kills Snakes for no reason. Snakes comes in with the stuff, asks for his 10% cut, and Johnny “1…2…10′s” him. Big time asshole. Asshole Rating: 10.0 out of 10.0