(I gotta stop fucking so much!)

The Sun – A mystery illness striking down men after sex could be occurring because they are allergic to themselves, say scientists. Blokes who come down with flu-like symptoms after an orgasm are probably suffering an allergic reaction to their own semen, according to Dutch researchers. Men with the condition — known as post orgasmic illness syndrome or POIS — usually suffer from symptoms including fever, runny nose, extreme fatigue and burning eyes. They come on straight after climax and can last up to a week. Marcel Waldinger, professor of sexual psychopharmacology at Utrecht University in the Netherlands, said a treatment known as hyposensitisation therapy can help reduce the impact of the syndrome. It involves being repeatedly exposed to small but gradually increasing amounts of the allergen over several years to build up resistance. He said: “These results are a very important breakthrough in the research of this syndrome.”

This disease is basically one step below AIDS. A week of the flu every time you jerk off? Which basically means like 50 consecutive life sentences of sickness for guys like me who jerk off 3 times a day. And I’m not exactly sure what they mean by “allergin” but it sounds like the only cure is to be exposed to increasing amounts of semen over the course of several years. No fucking thanks. I think I’d throw myself off a bridge if I ever had it. Otherwise you basically just have to walk around with a constant I.V. of Nyquil flowing through your veins at all times. The Nightime, Sniffling, Sneezing, Coughing, Aching, Stuffyhead, Fever, So-You-Can-Jerk Off Medicine.