So every time I’ve logged into facebook this month I’ve seen a couple idiots who have gone apple picking. “Apple picking with the bf!” “Apple picking upstate with the fam!”

Here’s the list of things that are stupider than apple picking:

1. There are no things stupider than apple picking.

I mean I almost want someone to invite me just so I can hear the reasoning behind it. You want me to drive somewhere upstate to walk around in a field and pick apples off of tree branches? Like peruse through a grove of apple trees examining which apples are the ones that look good to me, and then I pick them and put them in a basket and we pay someone for the apples and then we go home like 20 minutes later? How long could it take to pick apples? And then I guess we go home and eat them? You ain’t baking a pie and neither am I.

Sounds fucking riveting. Like I could understand if apples were some sort of super rare delicacy and there was only one place you could get them and then you would have to go apple picking. But I can buy apples from a dude with a table on the street right outside my apartment. I don’t have to drive anywhere. Don’t have to walk around in a field. And I don’t have to lug a basket of heavy ass apples all over the place.

Fuck all that noise. Apple picking is just something that the snobby families and the snobby couples do to try and make themselves feel better than the real couples and families who spend their weekends in the fall watching football and drinking beer. Congratulations, you guys are the outdoorsy type. You guys are enjoying the fall weather walking around a field pretending to care about apples. You think its something your kids are enjoying even though they are just too young and dumb to know any better. I know you see pictures of me at Rathbones on a Saturday crushing wings and beer in a bar and you think to yourself “I’m better than him because I went and picked out 45 apples.” But guess what? You’re not. You’re not better than me. You’re just a big fucking idiot who’s doing some stereotypical fall activity to try and convince yourself you’re respectable. You’ll probably run the Marathon next weekend while I booze my face off in a bar. You probably volunteer at a soup kitchen during the Christmas season while I drink Irish coffee and watch Home Alone. You probably think I feel bad when I see you doing all that “productive” shit on facebook. But I don’t. And deep down everyone knows you don’t really wanna do that shit either. Its all for appearance. Smoke and mirrors and motherfucking apples. Get real.