(LAweekly) – In this great land of ours we celebrate Black History Month (February), LGBT History Month (October), even National Tibetan American Heritage Month (May). But there’s only one month that truly celebrates you: Masturbation Month. Whether or not you need an excuse to stick your hands down your pants, or you simply plan to use Masturbation Month as an reason to take more time off work and put more time on (and in) your private parts, remember one thing: practice makes perfect-ish. The more you do it the stronger your pelvic floor, ejaculation control and sexual confidence will get. So what are you waiting for? Tug, flick, jerk and thrust your way to better health. Treat yourself – it’s a holiday!

It’s Masturbation Month!!! Wooohoooo!!!!  Go fuck yourselves you weirdos. Try to celebrate yourself 7 times a week? I celebrate myself 7 times before I take my morning piss. I don’t need a month to do it. I do it for fun. If you need a celebratory month to tell yourself to go jerk it then there is something seriously wrong with you.

When you’re turned on, you jerk-off. No matter what month it is. Put a Kelly Brook gallery in the Links of the Day? Time to jerk-off. Spank Bank image randomly pops into your head? Time to jerk-off. Couch gives you a lustful eye? Time to jerk-off. If you think this “masturbation month” thing is gonna get me to tug it more you’re outside of your mind. I’m a 22 year old, out of shape, blogger. You think I have sex? No. I pull pud. With the amount of Mountain Dew I drank as a kid, if I masturbate any more often I won’t have any “swimmers” by the time I’m 23. Dude’s will be trying to “tickle, T, pull” to the eggs and turn around as soon as the shallow end starts to slope. You want grandkids, dad? Sorry, “masturbation month” got the best of me and now my guys won’t go to the deep end without their Finding Nemo floaties.

Looks like I won’t be blacking out at Rathbones on Saturday. Hey, what do you want me to do? It ain’t “Drinking Month.”

PS – In honor of this month, they had a Masturbate-A-Thon in LA. Ya know, because it’s California and they’re all weirdos. If you wanna see very NSFW pics of the freaks that celebrate this kinda shit, click here.