First of all let me just explain to you something borderline unbelievable – I was watching Wheel of Fortune at 7:30 tonight and there was a cute blonde contestant with one arm. 8pm rolls around and the Bachelor starts on the same channel and theres another one armed cute blonde. Do you know what the chances of that are? Like 1 in 500 trillion. Thats absolutely never happened in the history of TV, so add up all the times TV shows have aired and there’s your probability. Roughly 1 in 500 trillion.

Anyway lets get into it with the One Armed Broad from The Bachelor. This chick would get voted off in a fucking heartbeat. I’d give out a rose to everyone in California before I gave her a rose. And this has nothing to do with looks and morals and whether you have a good heart or anything. Truth be told One Armed Girl is an absolute smoke. Very pretty girl. I have all my appendages and she’s 10 million times better looking than me. But plain and simple, the producers are trying to throw you a curveball with this casting job right here. This is absolutely a ploy to try to put you in some sort of 4 limbs vs 3 limbs predicament. Some sort of power play by the creators to throw you off kilter. And guess what? Not in my fucking house. Not on my Bachelor watch. They did this so they can build a storyline about whether I don’t like her because she’s handicapped or I do like her but its out of pity or some shit. They want their behind the scenes confessions from the other girls talking about whether its real love or some sort of one armed lust. Fuck that. I’m the motherfuckin Bachelor. King Kong ain’t got shit on me. I call the shots here. I run the show. I control this gaggle of gold digging fame whores. Not the producers and certainly not some one armed chick.

Nothing personal, One Armed Girl but you gotta play the Bachelor with your brain and your dick, not your heart. And while my heart goes out to you, my brain and my dick are focused squarely on chicks with all 4 limbs.