Conclave 2013! The biggest Smoke Show ever. If you’re not interested in Conclave you’re just flat out a boring person. Its easily the most absurd thing the Catholic Church does besides brushing sexual assault under the rug. We’ve got it all, folks. There’s scandals. There’s mystery. We’ve front runners. We’ve got underdogs. A Hondo Pope or a Black Pope is very much in the mix. The world is so intrigued by this shit that like a thousand people gather at St. Peter’s Square to watch a fucking chimney. For God’s sake, Dennis fucking Rodman is there. Name one other event that commands that sort of attention. You can’t do it. Its Conclave 2013. Get involved. Lets catch you up to speed.

Here’s your current front runner:

Angelo Scola – Italian Cardinal. 2-1 favorite. Just dethroned the black guy as the odds on favorite. Peter Cardinal Turkson from Ghana, the Black Pope all the black people are pulling for, was the original front runner. Now that Conclave officially started he jumped to the number 1 spot because they’re likely to just elect a white European guy. Why’s he intriguing? He’s in the mafia:

GuardianAnti-Mafia cops raided the diocese of Cardinal Angelo Scola, the archbishop of Milan, at dawn Tuesday morning in Lombardy, Italy, arresting several men accused of hospital-related corruption and making the holy zone look a bit like the set of a gangster flick. The best part for “Godfather III” fans is that the cardinal is a front-runner to be the next pope. The men arrested are linked to Roberto Formigoni, a close childhood friend of Scola’s who runs the health care system in the region (and who is also the subject of investigation)

Bada bing, bada boom! Chances are we’re gonna elect a mobster to be the next Pope. Pope Corleone!

Then there’s this guy – Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn of Austria. He’s in the top 5 at 7/1 odds:

Whats up with this guy, you ask? His own selfish bitch mother is campaigning against him. Claiming that if he becomes Pope he has to leave her and since she’s 92 she’s gonna die soon and so they’ll never see each other again.

ReutersAustrian Cardinal Christoph Schoenborn’s elderly mother hopes he won’t become pope because she fears she would never see him and that he would be overwhelmed by Vatican intrigues. “The whole family is afraid that Christoph will be elected pope,” Eleonore Schoenborn, 92, told the Kleine Zeitung newspaper in an interview printed on Tuesday as 115 Roman Catholic cardinals gathered in Rome to pick the new head of the Church. Recalling Pope Benedict’s farewell speech, which made clear that popes belonged entirely to the Church, she said her son’s elevation would mean “it is over for me. Then I will not see Christoph ever again because I no longer have the strength to travel to Rome”. ”Christoph would not be up to the bitchiness in the Vatican. The intrigues in Vienna are enough for him,”

Hey mama’s boy! Your own mother doesn’t want you to be Pope! Wants her to sit around in Vienna changing her bed pan until she dies. What a fucking Seaward. Hey Mama Schoeborn I don’t think you’re in any position to talk about anybody else’s bitchiness. You’re an awful mother. You’re probably going to hell.

Here’s the Black Pope/Hondo Pope combo. One has the potential to turn the entire world on its head, the other has the potential to turn Barstool New York on its head.


The Worm Dennis Rodman is obviously pulling for the Black Guy. KFC and the rest of Barstool is probably ironically pulling for the Hondo. Both would be longshots but could be realistic upsets.

And then of course there’s the Americans: Timmy Dolan of New York, Sean Patrick O’Malley of Boston.


No way we ever win Next Pope. They’re too afraid the US Government would like take it over and shit. They’re probably right.

Bono is still set at 1000/1 odds.

So you’re saying theres a chance!

Oh and if you’re interested in how Smoke Show Conclave 2013 works…here’s a breakdown of their day. Sounds like fucking Summer Camp for religious nerds:

1:30 a.m. – Breakfast is served.

2:45 a.m. – The cardinals transfer from the Domus Sanctae Marthae to the Pauline Chapel.

3:15 a.m. – Mass is celebrated in the Pauline Chapel.

4:30 a.m. – The cardinals transfer from the Pauline Chapel to the Sistine Chapel, pray Hora Media (Liturgy of the Hours) and proceed with two rounds of voting.

5:30-6 a.m. – Smoke is sent up only if a pope is elected.

7 a.m. – Smoke is sent up after the morning votes.

7:30 a.m. – The cardinals transfer from the Sistine Chapel to the Domus Sanctae Marthae.

8 a.m. – Lunch is served.

11 a.m. – The cardinals transfer from the Domus Sanctae Marthae to the Sistine Chapel.

11:50 a.m. – After brief prayer, the cardinals proceed with the two rounds of evening votes.

2 p.m. – Smoke is sent up after the evening votes.

2:15 p.m. – The cardinals pray Vespers in the Sistine Chapel.

2:30 p.m. – The cardinals transfer from the Sistine Chapel to the Domus Sanctae Marthae.

3 p.m. – Dinner is served.

My official prediction is White Smoke on Monday. New Pope – Italian Mobster Angelo Scola