Contrary to KFC’s crack-induced rant arguing for the acceptance of males using smiley faces when texting chicks into bed, I am here to say that anyone who believes that is delusional. As far as I’m concerned, all emoticon/emoji app purchases should come with a complementary download for a menstrual cycle calendar app. That’s just how it is- chicks use smileys; not the guys trying to get the chicks. How do KFC and the rest of you castrated Nancies even look yourself in the mirror after pressing send on “Can’t wait to see you ?” If you can’t lock it up using words, you simply don’t deserve it. What it comes down to is that KFC is a dinosaur in the texting game. “What if her fuckin puppy dies and you throw her a text with a frowny face to show her you’re not just a drunk idiot looking to fuck” is one of the arguments in Kevin’s blog condoning the male smiley. You gotta think outside the box. Anybody with fingers can use the game shark of texting and send a smiley face to turn her devastation into a clam dig. Personally, I’m googling as many dead dog jokes as I can and I’m saying them right to her face at the bar. Sure, you’re the asshole of the hour, but at the end of the night, when you come up to her and apologize for how immature and insensitive you were, and you explain how that was your defense mechanism because you too just had to put down the family dog, she’s ready to cozy up right next to you like she used to do with Fluffy. KFC, you are buying playboys at 7/11 while the rest of the world is on YouJizz. Adapt or die.
The only thing worse than texting smiley faces is the use of “LOL” in text flirting. “LOL” is easily the biggest demonstration of text insecurity in the game. If something you wrote is funny, she will laugh on her own volition without you nervously prompting her to do so. The only other time where “LOL” is used is to laugh at one her jokes, which A. is a lie because you most likely don’t think it’s funny and B. is just dumb. Don’t let her get comfortable; make her work for your comedic approval. The mobile flirt game is all about confidence. Biddies dig confidence and “LOL” is the text equivalent of an in-person “Are you okay, is everything alright, are you mad at me?” Just zero conviction in your efforts. Nothing dries a pair of panties quicker than going overboard with “LOL.”