WASHINGTON (AP) – A forensic scientist testified Friday that two cotton balls and a syringe needle allegedly saved after a steroids injection tested positive for Roger Clemens’ DNA, a key moment as the government tries to prove the former pitcher used performance-enhancing drugs. Alan Keel told jurors that the DNA on both cotton ball matches were “unique to one person who has ever lived on the planet” – Clemens. He said that one of the cotton balls had a random match possibility of one in 15.4 trillion for Clemens’ DNA, and the other had one in 173 trillion, when comparing to the population of white people in the U.S. The gauze pad, meanwhile, matched McNamee’s DNA, to an even greater probability than Clemens did for the cotton balls. Keel said that the match was 1 in 1.8 quintillion people for white Americans. A quintillion has 18 zeroes in it.

I can just see Roger in court now like “1 in 2 quintillion? So you’re saying there’s a chance!”

Delusional motherfucker. When this is all said and done, I bet you Roger Clemens hires someone to murder Brian McNamee. Not even kidding. I think Clemens is that crazy.