NY PostThree more sets of human remains were discovered yesterday on a mile-long stretch of remote beach where the Long Island serial killer’s five other presumed victims were found. The grisly discoveries were made during “a very methodical, careful search” along Ocean Parkway between Gilgo and Oak beaches, said Suffolk Police Commissioner Richard Dormer. He added that the search for more bodies will continue today. The madman had remained under the radar — killing without attracting the attention of cops — for at least two years. Then, in December, detectives began searching for Shannan Gilbert, a troubled hooker from Jersey City, who was last seen in Oak Beach in May 2010, running and pleading for help. Instead they found the bodies of four other prostitutes scattered in dense growth along the roadway. The four hookers identified so far were all lured to Long Island by Craigslist ads, as was Gilbert. The bodies of the four were all wrapped in burlap. Dormer said the medical examiner will make it a priority to positively eliminate or identify Gilbert as one of the newly found remains. She is the only still-missing woman to whom police can put a name. Even if no other bodies are found, the serial killer already is the second most prolific in Long Island’s history. He has surpassed Robert Schulman’s total of five prostitutes, but not that of Joel Rifkin, who killed 17 hookers.

I can’t help but think this serial killer is a Stoolie who took the notion of Potato Sack Smokeshow just a tadddddd to far, right? Like hey Burlap Sack Serial Killer its just a fuckin joke bro. We don’t want to actually kidnap girls in potato sacks. Its just a metaphor for how badly we wanna marry them. Quit fucking taking me so seriously you fucking literal son of a bitch. Dead hookers in burlap sacks is bad for business.

Welp, should be a fun summer for your boy KFC out in the Hamptons. I can just see it now. Blacked out at The Drift holding two cans of beer in my hand, making fun of the bros who like to put their beers on the ground and then dance around them in a circle, trying to stumble my way out to the parking lot to get a $85 cab and bingo bango next thing you now I’m dead in the woods like a sack of potatoes. Luckily I’m not a hooker. There’s at least a chance I make it to the Barn the next day. Then again, there’s always about a 40% chance I don’t survive a Sunday at the Boardy Barn anyway, but thats just the usual life risks I take during the summer. I don’t need no Burlap Sack Killer adding to that percentage.

Ah fuck it. Meet me at the Osprey. I’ll take my chances getting my face smashed in by some juice heads in Manasquan. As long as I don’t end up dismembered in a sack I’ll consider this summer a win.

PS – Somebody get Dexter on the fucking line. If this guy is competitive and wants the crown he’s got a ways to go before catching Joel Rifkin.