ALBANY – A mother of a student who attends the North Albany Academy has been arrested for removing her clothing during an assembly. According to the Albany School District spokesperson, the assembly at the school, located on North Pearl Street, was tied to Black History Month. Children, aged 5 to 14,  had gone up onto the stage to dance and parents later joined them on stage.  During the dance, 24-year-old Aydrea Meaders of Albany walked to the front of the stage and removed all her clothing from the waist up. School staff immediately acted and escorted the woman off the stage. Albany Police were called and arrested the woman. She’s been charged with seven counts of Endangering the Welfare of a Child and one count of Public Lewdness. She was arraigned in the Albany City Criminal Court. The district will be putting out a letter to parents explaining what happened.

There were few things better than Assembly Days when you were in elementary school. Its definitely top 10. Just a complete waste of a day in the auditorium goofing around while some idiot up there babbles about Black History Month or how you shouldn’t talk to strangers or what to do in case of an emergency. As far as I’m concerned the power rankings of awesome shit in elementary school is as follows: (disclaimer -Field Day is on its own level. Not being considered here)

8. Assembly Day – Completely worthless day as far as the education system goes. As I get older and I realize that teachers are real people too I think that Assembly Days were just days when the principal and all the teachers were hungover or something. “Everyone get in the auditorium and listen to our shitty chorus sing because my head is fucking pounding.”

7. Substitute Teacher Day – Absolutely nothing compares to the feeling of walking into the classroom and seeing some idiot substitute teacher writing on the board. Especially if you forgot to do your homework or something. You just know the next 45 minutes is gonna be a bloodbath for this replacement teacher. Nobody gets disrespected more than a sub. Nobody. When 25 eight year old kids smell substitute teacher blood in the water, you know they are just gonna swarm and go bananas. Substitute teachers are basically zoo keepers for an hour at a time.

6. Watch a movie in class day – This is basically teachers just giving up. Its what they do when they have no interest in teaching but they don’t have an assembly to send their kids to. You walk in the classroom and the lights are out and you see the big old TV on that big rolling shelf thing and you know its time to watch To Kill A Mocking Bird or some shit.

5. Play games during class day – When there’s no assembly, no substitutes available, and some other teacher already signed out the television to show a movie to her class, your teacher is like “Fuck it, lets just play 7-Up.” Not even trying to mask their laziness anymore. Like at least with a movie you can pretend its educational. Playing 7-Up is basically one half step above turning the lights out and just telling the kids its nap time. PS – if you weren’t cheating at 7-Up by looking at people’s shoes, I don’t wanna know you as a person.

4. Teacher Having Class Outside – The rarest of all elementary school occurrences. Happens maybe once ever 2 years. Every now and then when its nice in the spring a teacher will be like “Lets have class outside” and its one of the greatest surprises you’ll ever get in your life. I don’t even know why it was such a big deal, but it was. Like when I stepped outside of the school into the sunlight you would have thought I was locked up for life at Shawshank and I just got out of solitary. Obviously the idiot teacher will just babble as you sit in the grass and dig holes and break sticks and stuff and nobody learns a fucking thing. To be honest I think it was just a bargaining chip used by teachers to get kids to behave the other 200 school days a year.

3. 2 Hour Delay – The ultimate “Hit the snooze button” moment. Its an extra 2 hours to hang out in your PJs and watch a couple more rotations of Sportscenter. I don’t even know what the logic behind this idea was. An extra 2 hours for the roads to get plowed or something? The only problem with the 2 Hour Delay was that even though its a good thing, its always accompanied by some level or disappointment because you were hoping for a full day off.

2. Half Day – Half days were absolute fire. Sometimes you could make the argument that a half day is almost better than a full day off. You’re basically at school from like 9 to 11:30. You still have like a full schedule of classes its just that every period lasts about 11 minutes. Not even close to enough time to get anything done. Most of the teachers are like “Its SSR time, just read your books.” The best part of a half day and what makes it better than a full day off is that right after school ends you go hang out with all your friends. You go to a buddy’s house for lunch and play basketball all afternoon

1. Snow Day – The undisputed champ of awesome shit that can happen to you when  you’re a kid. To be perfectly honest, the Snow Day might just be the single greatest thing of all time. Maybe blow jobs are better than Snow Days but thats about it. Whether you’re 8 years old or 58 years old, the moment you get a phone call or an email or whatever saying your don’t have to go to school or work is one of the top 3 best feelings in the world. Remember there was that phone chain that you had to call to tell the next family that school was cancelled? What a beautiful thing that was. Like this giant network of communication in order to spread the best news ever. Bringing joy to hundreds of kids one phone call at a time. Spreading the word that you get to go sledding or build snow forts and have snowball fights and drink hot chocolate and watch TV instead of going to boring ass school. The Snow Day. Greatest thing of all time. PS – Parents must fucking hate the Snow Day.

So thats pretty much all the best shit that can happen to you at school. Aydrea Meaders kinda upped the ante with her assembly performance. I mean if my assemblies ever had a Biggie Smalls lookalike flashing her tits, maybe Assembly Day would be higher on the list than number 8. We just had firemen and policemen tell us not to get in cars with strangers. No tits involved. But its been a long time since I was in school. Maybe thats how Assembly Days rolls now.