(Telegraph) – Santosh Kumar Singh, a 32 year old cook, has spent nine years trying to prove to officials that he is alive after his high caste relatives declared him dead following a row over his decision to marry a Dalit woman, known as an “untouchable”. He has written to the prime minister, without success, and has now registered himself as one of 12 candidates for the presidency in the hope that the paperwork will prove his existence.He had left his village in 2000 for a job in Mumbai where he fell in love and married a Dalit woman. When he returned to introduce his new bride to his high cast relatives three years later they told him he was a disgrace and chased him away, he said. “They filed a missing persons report which was later changed into my death report. The villagers even conducted post-funeral ceremonies and gave alms to the poor to prove I was dead,” he said. “Some of my relatives with help of police grabbed my 12.1 acres of land. I went to the police for help but they attacked me. They said: ‘So far you are dead only on official papers, if you don’t vacate this village you will be dead for real.’” he added.

This is one of those stories where if you blog it, you’re pretty much just ruining it. Like it’s all here, there’s nothing to add. Man finds wife. Family doesn’t like wife. Family has son declared missing and eventually dead. Family throws funeral for son. Son writes government saying “Nah I’m good.” Government says “Yeah but your family says you’re dead. We’re gonna stick with that.” Man tries to go to police to get all his belongings back, ya know because he’s still alive and all, they say “Get the fuck out or we’ll kill you for real.” Man decides I’ll run for president, that will prove to people that I’m totally alive. It’s like a Disney fairy tale. Hey good luck to Santosh but I think it’s going to be a pretty difficult campaign. No one wants to vote for the 32 year-old dead cook.

PS – bro, if you’re trying to convince people you’re alive, maybe don’t do whatever it is you’re doing in that picture.