Click here for video

JaopnikGentlemen, the way you drive is apparently a giveaway to women on how you’ll, er, behave between the sheets. Thus spake Hoda Kotb, co-host of the Today show’s 73rd hour, who will never look at cab drivers the same way again. Are your driving moves all jerky; are you constantly thrusting in and out of traffic? Are you the clumsy type — all thumbs and apologies? Or are you a smooth operator behind the wheel, deftly caressing the road until it yields to your soft but firm touch, then skilfully building to a screaming climax? Yeah, Hoda. Thanks for adding another layer of performance anxiety to our lives.

So that Neanderthal Hoda thinks driving style determines how good you are in bed huh? I think she might be on to something. But it really all depends on the state I’m in when I’m driving. Here’s the ironic conclusion I drew about sex and driving:

Sober sex is like drunk driving, and drunk sex is like sober driving. Try to keep up with this one.

Think about it. Drunk sex and sober driving happen all the time. You’re used to both of them. In both scenarios you’re calm and relaxed. You’re not really worried about anything going wrong. You get in to the car or your bed, you go for a 20 minute ride, get from Point A to Point B, and that’s that. No accidents. No disasters. You’re laid back, one hand on the wheel, radio blasting, cool as a cucumber. You’re rolling stop signs, right on red’s. You’re as comfortable as can be. Just like you are when you’re having drunk sex. She’s tipsy, you’re tipsy, you’re pushing the envelope. A finger here, a tongue there. Whatever. Nobody can really feel anything lets just have a good time and go for a joy ride, right?

Sober sex, though, is like drunk driving. You rarely ever do it. You’re paranoid and a little bit nervous. You know you gotta bring your best performance, right? Head on a swivel when you’re drunk driving. 10 and 2. Seat belt fastened. No radio. Full stops. Well that’s all like sober sex for the first time with a chick. You’re nervous, rigid, awkward and you’re basically bracing for a car wreck. And what inevitably ends up happening during both sober sex and drunk driving? You go really fast, realize you’re getting ahead of yourself, and then you hit the brakes. You look down at the speedometer, realize you’re going wayyy above the speed limit, and pump the brakes. Well when I’m having sober sex I get all into the moment – I’m like “Hell yea I can actually feel my dick! I’m gonna fuck this chick so hard like I see in the pornos!” Start going real fast and hard and about 12 pumps in I realize the Grand Finale is already on its way. So you hit the brakes and stop. Some times you pull out all together. I like to pretend I’m teasing and trying to be sexy, you know like playing hard to get. When in reality its more like “If my penis was inside you for one millisecond longer I’m 100% sure I would have came.” And I’m pretty sure any girl I’ve ever done this with has known what’s going on. Just like the police officer when he sees your brake lights every two seconds. You’re not fooling anyone.

So in conclusion. Don’t drink and drive kids. And if you’re having sober sex its not like you see in the pornos. Those guys can last like hundreds of thrusts. You can’t.