I know I get one you Chosens a lot, but not even I can knock Bar Mitzvahs. Every kid who got Bar Mitzvah’d made like 10 thousand bucks on that shit. Every Weinstein and Steinberg in the family coming out of the woodwork to come to your Bar Mitzvah and cut you like a $1000 check. Plus you got to throw that dope party where they hand out all the glow sticks and maracas and the inflatable microphones and saxophones. Put you in the chair and lift you up and shit. You know how everyone knows Jewish chicks are sluts? I think it all starts at Bar Mizvahs. Little Jappy sluts who think they are adults running around grabbing as many circumcised dicks as they can.

Meanwhile KFC and the Gentiles get Confirmed and their family gives them about 200 bucks worth of savings bonds and the big celebration would be like a brunch after Sunday Mass. I’m pretty sure my Grandma once gave me a collectable coin for my Confirmation. It was like a silver dollar in a velvet case or some shit. Hey Gram thanks for that, but I’m pretty sure Josh Manichevitz got his first hand job while doing the Macarena. So, I’ll give it to the Jews on this one. As far as celebrating the prepubescent kids becoming adults in the eyes of God, you guys win. I’d even consider raising my dog Jewish just so he could get a Bark Mitzvah instead of stupid Confirmation. What do you think I’m gonna make my dog go to puppy CCD and all that jazz just so he can get some oil on his forehead and a 100 dollar savings bond? Fuck that. Lets throw a little doggie yarmulke on, do the electric slide with glow sticks wrapped around our heads and make straight cash homie.