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One crime. One ultimate get out of jail free card. What crime do you commit? Kill your worst enemy? Rob the biggest bank? Kidnap your favorite smokeshow? Originally I thought unless you’re a truly sick fuck you gotta go with some sort of enormous heist. Like an Ocean’s 11 type of job where you steal a zillion dollars worth of money or jewels or something. There’s a lot of people that I say I want dead but I don’t actually want them dead. Like I want the Wilpons dead but if you gave me a gun and told me I could kill them with no repercussions I couldn’t actually murder them. But then I started thinking about some random people that I’d really get a lot of satisfaction out of murdering them. I narrowed it down to 3 people. All 3 Yankees fans from the infamous Robinson Cano Home Run GIF:

If I could murder those three guys and get away with it, I’d do it in a heartbeat. And the main guy isn’t even my number 1 choice. I’d go:

3. This Fucker

Looks like something out of a Super Mario Bros game. I hate him.

2. Pinstripes Bro

Obviously Mr. Pinstripes is the star of this show. The backwards/sideways hat. The dramatics with his arms. One of the worst people on earth. I’d love to kill him.

But number 1 is this guy:

That fat fucker just screaming “FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU” on loop. I hate him more than anyone I’ve ever hated in my entire life combined. Its funny, because he actually makes me laugh. But at the same time I’d love to murder him in cold blood. Like I wanna kill him and not get a pass. I wanna kill him and get credit for it.

Anyway, I supposed my rational answer would be a heist of Fort Knox or something. My emotional answer is a triple murder slaughter of all the Yankees fans in this gif.