I called you crazy. I called you a bitch. But I never called you fat.

Like most of the world, I didn’t really care much about the Lance Armstrong Oprah interview. Primarily because Lance Armstrong doing an interview to admit he cheated is like water doing an interview to admit it’s wet. Secondarily, Manti Te’o completely fucked Oprah and most people forgot this was even on.

But even amidst the whole Manti Te’o saga, this still may have been the best line of the week.  When I heard this moment I almost fell off my chair. The best part was the way he delivered that line. All slow and dramatic. Like he thought he had some Ace in the hole. Some trump card that was gonna exonerate him from everything. Lance acted like he was gonna deliver that line, drop the mic and walk out a hero. I called you crazy. I called you a bitch. But I never called you fat! Oprah just nods her head furiously for a few seconds like “Goddamit this interview fucking sucks.” I’m a huge fan of that technique. Its a classic move. You accuse me of something you better have all your ducks in a row because if one out of three accusations is a lie then your whole case is a lie. Like your girlfriend can say “You were so drunk and rude and talking to other girls!” but if you were only drunk and rude but never talking to girls then you can blast holes in her whole story. Its all or nothing. Its like guys who say they’re bi-sexual. Nah you’re gay. Same shit here. If you’re 1% lying you’re 100% lying, you crazy skinny bitch. I’ll be honest  it almost made me like him. Lance has been the delusional lying dickhead for so long but this was so delusional and so cocky he went over the top with it and almost won me over. He went on to babble about bike riding the rest of the time so I resumed hating him, but for a moment I was down with this dude.