NY Post – Jets quarterback Tim Tebow is dating someone but he doesn’t want anybody to know about it, according to Olympic hurdler Lolo Jones. Jones, 29, has been linked to Tebow, 24, since announcing recently that, like the popular and deeply religious NFL star, she was a virgin saving herself for marriage. Jets center Nick Mangold has made it his goal to set up the two world-class athletes, but Jones shut him down via Twitter on Tuesday, saying Tebow wasn’t available. “I’m trying to get @TimTebow to accept that he and @lolojones are a match made in heaven. #Lobow,” Mangold tweeted. Jones then responded, “thanks Nick but i actually heard tebow has a girlfriend he just isn’t saying it publicly. the search continues…”

What does it even mean to “have a girlfriend” if you aren’t banging? So its a girl you hang out with a lot and probably fight with and nothing physical ever happens? Yea I’ve heard of those before. Thats called a fucking sister. Anyway, lets pretend for a moment Lolo Jones is right and Tebow has a secret girlfriend. Who do ya got? Lets figure this out from least likely to most likely:

5. Sasha Grey - There are plenty of porn stars worse than her, but she cracks the top 5 because she’s clearly trying to rehabilitate her image. She tried to do real acting. She read books to those elementary school kids. She might need some Tebow in her life. But there ain’t no way Tebow is getting involved with Sasha Grey. You’ve got to be pure. When your asshole is the size of the hole on the 18th green, you are not Tebow material. Odds of being secret girlfriend – 25:1

4. Lady Gaga - She’s a dyke, I think. Or at least bi sexual. Loves gays. Hates God. The only reason she edges out the filthy porn star one spot on this list is because she might have a dick and the jury is still out on whether Tim may actually like that. Odds of being secret girlfriend – 10:1

3. Bar Refaeli – Isn’t it downright nauseating to think that if Bar Refaeli threw herself at Tebow he’d probably reject her simply because she rejects Jesus? Her or Sloane from Entourage or Mila Kunis or Natalie Portman or any other Jews. There may be Jews for Jesus but Tebow don’t get down with the Chosens. Odds of being secret girlfriend, assuming Christian conversion -  5:1

2. Lolo Jones – You think I’m not on to you, Virgin? I see right through you and your hymen. This is all a PR cover up. Two high profile religious virgin athletes are out there and you don’t think they’re gonna get together? Get out of here. They’re linked in the press. They’re linked in the papers. You know Tebow wants to link his dick all up in her honey pot. And vice versa. Its a match made in heaven with an elaborate public cover up in case they’ve already fucked before marriage. Teblow is real. Odds of being secret girlfriend – 4:1

1. Jenn Sterger – Doesn’t get any easier than this folks. If Vegas is handicapping this sweepstakes, bet the fucking rent on Jenn Sterger. She went to school down in Florida. Yea she was an FSU girl but if you don’t think she’d take some Gator dick you’re outside of your mind. She already has ties to the NFL and the Jets. Already been linked in a sexual manner to a Jets quarterback. Yet hated Brett Favre’s dick pics and his overly aggressive pursuit. She doesn’t want to be viewed as that sexual piece of meat. She had her implants removed. Trying to shake that slutty girl image while still remaning involved in sports. Who’s better for that than Tebow? Tebow is all the NFL pros with none of the womanizing cons. Jenn Sterger’s dream man. Odds of being secret girlfriend – 7:5