Arlington – A disturbance at the Phoenix House on the 500 block of N. Quincy Street prompted a call to police late Monday night, when a resident allegedly became out of control while huffing a chemical. According to police, two roommates at the Ballston-based substance abuse treatment center alerted a resident adviser that their roommate had been acting erratically and their room was in disarray. When the resident adviser arrived in the room, the subject was wearing only a t-shirt and had a sheet over his head while allegedly huffing disinfectant spray. The resident adviser called police because the subject was reportedly hissing, speaking in tongues, shaking uncontrollably, trying to eat coins and had attempted to set his mattress on fire. Police say when they arrived and tried to speak with the 18-year-old man, he was naked and still attempting to eat coins. Officers tried taking the man into custody but he didn’t cooperate. The officers gave him a warning but he continued to stay on all fours and growl at them, so they successfully tased him and handcuffed him, according to a police spokesman. The man then attempted to eat the Taser cords, we’re told. Police say once they managed to handcuff the man, the naked subject bent over with his hands still behind his back, and according to the police report “spreads his anus open and proclaims, ‘Who wants some?’

I love stories like this. I love them because they make me feel better about myself. Sometimes I feel like a real piece of shit. Out of shape. Eat like garbage. Never exercise. Always drinking. But all that pales in comparison to a dude already in rehab huffing paint, eating coins and offering up his asshole to police officers for sex. I’m a goddam model citizen compared to this dude. Like no matter how fucking boozed up I was I’d never consider huffing an aerosol can. Thats something for homeless people and hillbilly teenagers. And as far as I know, I’ve never bent over, spread my cheeks and proclaimed “Who wants some?” Unfortunately I probably can’t say that with 100% certainty but I’m pretty fucking sure I haven’t done that. So its just a nice breath of fresh air to read a news story and be able to unequivocally say – “I’m a better person than you.” And yes I realize I’m setting the bar pretty fucking low here but every little bit helps.