Huff PoAccording to an arrest report obtained by The Smoking Gun, police in Trenton, Mich. received a 911 call Monday morning reporting that an individual was “in a silver car sucking on a dildo” at a local park. Sgt. Steve Allen responded, and the concerned citizen pointed out the offending vehicle, which was driving out of a parking area at the park. Allen approached and noted “a flesh-colored dildo” on the passenger seat, according to the report. He says that when he asked the driver what he was doing, the man replied, “Sucking on a dildo, I’m sorry.” He also allegedly “admitted to having a problem with sex toys.” The man, whose name has been redacted from the report, was arrested on a charge of disorderly contact.

What every happened to minding your own business? Dude is just sitting in his car, by himself, deepthroating fake dicks. Not a threat to anybody in the park. Didn’t even try to hide it. “Hey buddy what are you doing in there?” “Sucking on a dildo. I’m sorry.” I feel like he was probably like Costanza – “Was that wrong? Should I not have done that?” Not like he made someone else suck on a dildo. Wasn’t a real dick. What if it was an ice pop? What if this dildo addict was just sucking on an ice pop? Wouldn’t call the cops then. No reason to call the cops at all. Plain and simple 911 is for major emergencies and some dude blowing a rubber dick in the privacy of his own car ain’t an emergency.