Telegraph – Callum Ward, 25, was seen “pressing” himself against the emergency vehicle before “simulating a sex act” on the bonnet. Official police logs show an officer who saw him stated: “It looks as though he is attempting to make love to the front of the ambulance”. Ward was drunk and had taken cannabis and amphetamine and was “in relatively high spirits” before the incident in November in Barnstaple, Devon. He was first spotted setting fire to a packet of peanuts inside a phone box before mounting the ambulance, Barnstaple Magistrates Court was told. He was found guilty of being drunk and disorderly and in possession of Class B drugs. He was sentenced to a community order with a supervision requirement for six months and ordered to pay £60. Ward, of Barnstaple, told the court: “I did start using drugs and drinking. I have seen the error of my ways with that.” In 2007, Robert Stewart, of Ayr, Scotland, was placed on the sex offenders’ register after being caught trying to have sex with a bicycle.

What a night for Callum Ward huh! Lighting peanuts on fire and fucking ambulances. That, my friends, is a hell of a night. The thing is, we’ve all been there. There are nights where you go out and you’re a man on a mission. You’re not looking to watch the big game. You’re not trying to just rip shots with your buddies and get hammered. Sometimes you go out with the sole purpose of getting rocks. Tunnel vision, one track mind. Nothing on your radar besides busting your nut. Of course you start out hitting on smokes, aiming high. But as the night goes on the the clock keeps ticking and your window starts closing, you start to lower your standards, right? You’ve given up on the 7s, 8s, 9s and 10s. Now the 6 who could stand to lose a few pounds is looking more appealing. If that fails you start digging real deep to the bottom of the barrel. 3s and 2s. If you get real desperate, you’ve got a pig in the crosshairs who is legitimately a 0 out of ten. Shes nothing more than a means to an end, and you don’t care how ugly she is.

And then, on some real dark, bad nights, even that falls through and you end up fucking an ambulance. Hey, it happens. Ordinarily when a night went that bad for me I just got pizza and jerked off to internet porn. But Callum Ward wanted to get his rocks off so he fucked an ambulance. Different strokes for different folks. At least the ambulance won’t spend the night and wanna talk in the morning or any of that awkwardness.

PS – How about Robert Stewart from 2007? Dude ended up as a registered sex offender for trying to fuck a bicycle. What a raw fucking deal that is. Theres no fucking chance those are the real rules. Fuck a bike and you’re a sex offender. England does not fuck around with their laws.