KnoxA jury on Tuesday turned a cold shoulder to a Knoxville man’s claims he was justified in punching an assistant manager at a fast-food restaurant after a dispute over a hot fudge sundae. It was February 2010 when Wilson rolled up at the McDonald’s restaurant on Magnolia Avenue and ordered lunch. “The food appeared to be right, but the dessert, it had chocolate on the bottom,” Wilson told jurors. “The hot fudge should be on top. It freezes up when you get fudge on the bottom of it. I asked them to redo it.” Assistant Manager Brad Skelton insisted Wilson was gaming to save a dime — the difference between the dollar menu “plain sundae” sans hot fudge sauce and an actual hot fudge sundae. Sauce or no sauce, the pair verbally sparred before Skelton gave Wilson his dollar back. What happened next was the crux of the case, which Wilson has pushed from misdemeanor court, through a grand jury and all the way to Criminal Court. As Wilson headed toward the exit, Skelton darted toward a side door facing the exit. “I just wanted to make sure he actually (left),” Skelton said. “I took two more steps out the door, and he hit me in the face.” Wilson insisted, via defense attorney Mary Ward, Skelton “charged” Wilson and called him a racial slur. “He was acting in self-defense,” Ward argued. Noting Skelton was a white man half the size of Wilson, a black man, in a restaurant packed with black patrons, Counts dismissed Wilson’s account with the rhetorical query, “Are you insane?”

I’m a pretty non-violent dude but if you don’t think poorly distributing toppings and condiments and sauces warrants a punch to the face I just don’t know if we can even have this conversation. Hot fudge is clearly a “topping” on ice cream. Therefore guess where it belongs? The fucking top, you burger flipping ass clown. Its not called a “bottoming.” Did you put sprinkles on the bottom? What about the cherry? The phrase is “…a cherry on top” but you might as well just smush that in the bottom too. Idiot.

You know what the worst example of this sort of sloppy food making is? Condiments on a sandwich. There is nothing worse than when you’re at Subway or a deli or wherever and they squeeze out the mayo in one giant thick line only on one side of the sandwich. They don’t smear it on the bread. They don’t do like an up-and-down wiggly squeeze so that the mayo or mustard is evenly distributed on the sandwich. Just one fat straight line on the inside of your sandwich. Thanks guy! Now any time I bite the outside of the sandwich I got nothing but dry turkey in my mouth. Next bite on the inside and its like a spoonful of mayonnaise soup. Can’t tell if I took a bite of a cold cut sandwich or appeared in a Peter North movie. Would it have killed you to cover the whole hero dude? So that is the guy I’d like to punch. Lazy Deli Sandwich Condiment Distributor. I could maybe even stab the Subway guys with those Exacto knives they use to cut the bread.