Las VegasIt sat in front of him, on top of a pillow that rested on a milk crate. He sprinkled baby powder on it — what looked like a huge watermelon encased in a compression bandage — but the unmistakable smell of urine couldn’t be completely smothered. “Hard to believe, isn’t it?” 47-year-old Wesley Warren Jr. said in the poorly lit apartment. “It’s freakish.” What sat in front of where Warren was seated in shorts — what is actually attached to him — was more than 100 pounds of scrotum, the protective sac of skin and muscle that contains his testicles. “It’s not easy to get around,” he said, standing and groaning as he lifted his scrotum off its makeshift pedestal and carefully let it hang almost to the floor. “It makes me stay in most of the time.”  In hopes of getting the money for a possible corrective procedure that physicians have told him can cost about $1 million, Warren swallowed his pride by outing himself recently on shock jock Howard Stern’s national satellite radio and cable TV freak segment. But he used the pseudonym “Johnathan from Las Vegas” to let people know that his penis is so buried in his scrotal tissue that he can’t direct his urination and often sprays the area around him. He also told — to more laughter on the set — of how he can’t sit down for a bowel movement and must catch it in the same kind of pail used in casinos for coins. What Warren attributes his condition to is an accidental striking of his testicles by his own leg as he twisted and turned upon awakening from a sleep in late 2008.

Wait a minute. One night this dude smushed his balls tossing and turning in his sleep and the he woke up with a hundred pound ball sack??? See thats the kinda shit that scares me. Not crazy outlandish shit that could probably never happen. Like the yesterday the base jumper who’s parachute didn’t open up or that horrific Indy Car accident with Danny Wheldon. People were like “Oh my god how scary is that?” I dunno its like 5% scary because I’m never gonna be a base jumper and I’m never gonna be an Indy Car driver.

But Johnathan from Las Vegas, now here’s some terrifying shit. Literally any dude on earth can kick in the night and wake up with a pair of soccer balls in his nutsack. You can’t control what you do or say at night. Could be running in your sleep or wiggling those legs and bingo bango you’ve crack your nuts into bolivian. One minute you’re dreaming that you’re running a marathon and the next minute you’re resting you balls on a milk crate, dressing your nutsack in a hoodie, catching your poop in a bucket like Casino coins falling from a slot machine. Thats the sort of stuff nightmare’s are made of.

Seriously though, any male billionaire out there should have absolutely no problem ponying up a million for this dude’s surgery. If I had $1 billion I’d personally deliver a million in cash to this dude. Fucking Zuckerberg donated ONE HUNDRED MILLION to the goddam Newark School System. Basically flushed $100,000,000 down the drain. Take 1/100th of that and do your duty as a male member of the human race and save this dude’s dick and balls from a life of eternal hell.

PS – Is that a Polo hoodie? At least dude has Ballsack Swag