Fuck Angelina and by fuck I mean just absolutely hate fuck the shit out of her like nobody has ever been hate fucked before. I mean in all honestly she’s not bad looking. Like if you met her for the first time in your life in a dimly lit club, knowing absolutely nothing about her, you’d be down to smush. So I’m down to smush. And if it’s between Snooki and JWoww I’d marry the shit out of Snooki. I mean that’s a no-brainer right? You’ve all seen JWoww? Bitch could beat me up with her eyes closed. Can’t be having some bodybuilding bitch with a face that looks like a smashed up can of Spam laying down the law in the kmarko household.
Kill: J Woww
I apologize for doing the same 3 as kmarko but hear me out. Originally I said fuck J Woww and her giant fake tits. But then I remembered that she rips the heads off of dudes after having sex with them. I can’t have that. Getting your head ripped off is not a good look. So I’d have to kill her. Assuming I can actually kill her. Nobody ever discusses what happens if you don’t think you could physically overtake one of the girls while trying to kill her, but I guess we’ll have to suspend reality for a moment and pretend I’m stronger than J Woww.
I’d have to marry Snooki. No, fuck that. I want to marry Snooki. I’m legitimately in love with her. She’s hilarious. She looks like a bowling ball. She boozes. Everything I want in a wife. Except the bowling ball part. But that is at least funny. Shnookums, will you marry me?
Which means by default I gotta fuck that fart factory Angelina. Ugh. I’m not happy about this one. Having sex with a Staten Island Dumptruck isn’t ideal. I wish this game was called Marry Kill Kill for the first time, but somebody’s gotta get fucked, right? Can I use a lifeline and call in Sammi Sweetheart? Fuck me man.