My first instinct is to marry Khaleesi. She’s the Mother of Dragons and she’s easily the hottest girl on the show. Arya may have something to say about that in 5 years, but if we’re playing the no-pedophile edition, then it’s definitely Khaleesi. But then I started thinking about the fact that she was married to Khal Drogo and his horse-cock before he died. It’s gotta be an absolute mess down there. You don’t just come back from constantly getting dicked by a Dothraki on a nightly basis. I’m still gonna marry her though- can’t pass up the opportunity to own a dragon.
The next two decision are a little tougher. I think I’m gonna have to hate fuck Cersei. She’s a selfish bitch and I don’t think she smiled once in the first two seasons. Definitely not wifey material. Plus she was secretly fucking her brother for a while so you know she’s down to get weird and she can keep a secret. I don’t want word getting out that I’m fucking the biggest sourpuss in middle earth. Then I’m gonna kill R’hllor, Lord of Light. Here’s my reasoning: A. Her name fucking sucks and I sound retarded trying to pronounce it. Trying to do so in bed would kill any momentum I had going for me. B. I’m not sure how the Game of Thrones timeline plays out in relation to real time, but I’m pretty sure she gave birth like 2 weeks after she got fucked. I don’t want any part of that outrageously fertile pussy. Not to mention she spawns demonic black smoke assassins. So yeah, I’m pretty comfortable with killing R’hllor.