Selena Gomez

Ashley Benson

Vanessa Hudgens

Total Number of Votes: 10477

So this Spring Breakers movie has been bubbling for a while and the internet went nuts when the trailer came out today.  So what better way to commemorate this trailer than to objectify them and metaphorically kill them.

Right off the bat I’m fucking Vanessa Hudgens. Because she’s never really been able to make the jump to super celebrity status. She can’t get on that Selena Gomez/Miley Cyrus level and I think she’s got a chip on her shoulder because of that. As such, I think she would fuck like a champ. Its like playing when you’re angry or when you’ve got something to prove. I think Vaness Hudgens would rock my dick with steam coming out of her ears making sure I walk out of that session saying “There’s no way Selena Gomez can fuck like that.”

Which leaves Selena and Benson. On the one hand, Selena is definitely the richest of the bunch. She could be my sugar mama if we got married. I also would get to be Eskimo Brothers with Bieber. Which is awesome. Me and the Biebs dick have been in the same place! But I dont like her baby face. I feel like she’s a little girl. Ashley Benson is one of my under the radar girls though. Pretty Little Liars is like a guilty pleasure of mine, so I know her pretty well. Definitely the hottest one out of the Liars. Theres no competition with that nerd chick, the Hawaiian lookin chick is a dyke, and Aria likes that old dick. But the fact that she fell for Mona’s routine is absolutely absurd. Can’t marry a girl that gullible. I’m killing Ashley Benson and marrying Selena.

PS – Its an absolute TRAGEDY Ashley Tisdale is not in this Spring Breakers movie. She would dominate all these other sluts. Especially the 4th one. Who the fuck is she? How did she make the cut?