I’m not sure what to expect from Martellus Bennett on the field. He was buried behind Jason Witten for his 4 years in Dallas and, although he’s got a solid rep as a blocking TE, his hands are questionable. As one Cowboys fan tweeted: “I get more ‘Martellus Bennett’ results on Google when searching for ‘TEs who can’t catch’ instead of ‘Martellus Bennett’.” So he’ll replace Ballard/Beckum and help the run game for sure, but whether he turns into a reliable safety valve for Eli remains to be seen. Quite frankly, though, who cares? Bennett’s biggest contribution this year is gonna be his rapport with the media. Dude is a human quote machine.

Earlier today he told reporters about his running style, “I’m kind of like a black unicorn out there. It’s amazing to watch.” Black unicorn? I don’t know exactly what kinda material is required to earn a BSS shirt, but I do know he will be referred to by me as The Black Unicorn from now on. He later compared dealing with Eli to a wife: “Just ask him what he wants. It’s not like, sometimes like your wife, you never know what she wants. You ask and she’s like ‘Well, I don’t want chicken.’ You’re like ‘Well, do you want steak?’ She’s like, ‘No, I don’t want steak.’ Eli knows if he wants chicken or steak.” He rolled up to camp on Day 1 in his Bentley & said he was Kim Kardashian. Kevin Gilbride is now known as Professor Dumbledore. One minute he’s saying, “I just want to kick (the Cowboys’) asses. I’m kind of an asshole. I kind of hate everybody, honestly, in the NFL.” and the next minute he thinks he’s Gandhi. If you want to talk about the silent assassin nature of polar bears & pandas, The Black Unicorn is your man. Just don’t question his weight unless you want him to flash his “6 1/2 pack” abs and ask, “Do I look fat? I’m looking like (Tony) Atlas, not Professor Klump.”

Nah, man, you don’t look fat at all. Just please don’t pull your cock out again.