Oh, you’re fucked.

NY Daily News- In a bizarre attempt to avoid a 50-game drug suspension, San Francisco Giants star Melky Cabrera created a fictitious website and a nonexistent product designed to prove he inadvertently took the banned substance that caused a positive test under Major League Baseball’s drug program… Famed steroid cop Jeff Novitzky, a criminal investigative agent for the Food & Drug Administration, and agents from MLB’s Department of Investigation have begun looking into Cabrera’s associates and his entourage, including trainers, handlers and agents, as they search for the source of the synthetic testosterone that appeared in a sample of the All-Star Game MVP’s urine. The scheme began unfolding in July as Cabrera and his representatives scrambled to explain a spike in the former Yankee’s testosterone levels. Cabrera associate Juan Nunez, described by the player’s agents, Seth and Sam Levinson, as a “paid consultant” of their firm but not an “employee,” is alleged to have paid $10,000 to acquire the phony website. The idea, apparently, was to lay a trail of digital breadcrumbs suggesting Cabrera had ordered a supplement that ended up causing the positive test, and to rely on a clause in the collectively bargained drug program that allows a player who has tested positive to attempt to prove he ingested a banned substance through no fault of his own.“There was a product they said caused this positive,” one source familiar with the case said of Cabrera’s scheme. “Baseball figured out the ruse pretty quickly.”

Not on famed steroid cop, Jeff Novitzky’s watch, Melky! Where do you think you are? This isn’t the Dominican Republic anymore, where throwing out words like “Internet,” “bandwith,” and “cookies” is gonna make people’s heads spin and allow you walk out the door. Now personally, I know nothing about computers and I would’ve 100% percent believed anything Melky showed me. Melky coulda pulled up a conversation from Chat Roulette where he told some naked guy playing guitar that it was a false positive, and I would have immediately rescinded the 50-game suspension. But that’s why I’m not a steroid cop- a profession that couldn’t sound more like a plot line from Always Sunny. Charlie dresses up as Novitzky with a tape recorder strapped to his chest. Mac tests out every possible steroid to “ensure a fundamental understanding of the product in question, while harvesting mass.” Melky just taking the whole fake-it-til-you-make-it scheme to the next level. I have a feeling this one is gonna get a lot weirder before all is said and done. I don’t know why, but I picture off-the-field Melky conducting business and running his entourage just like Drexl from True Romance.