YahooSomething surprising is going on in the American bedroom. In droves, people are outfitting their beds with a plush, squishy, and decidedly controversial type of mattress. While these products support the body just-so during sleep, they distress some people during sex. The complaint is lack of “traction,” if you get the drift. “It’s like trying to do it in quicksand,” one owner writes on an Internet message board. New York sex therapist Sari Eckler Cooper couldn’t be clearer: “There’s a lack of resistance for the knees and feet. And whoever is on the bottom is sinking into the bed.” Mattress shoppers are weighing the risk — bad sex — against the promise — good sleep — and are voting with their eyelids: They choose to snooze. “Is it difficult to have, ahem, ‘relations’ on one of these?” we asked. The salesman blushed slightly, tripped over a few words, and then provided something of an answer. It isn’t so much that it is difficult, he said. “It’s just that coils give you bounce, which you don’t get on memory foam. It’s a lot more physically intense because you’re not getting any help from the bed.” Still, 80% of memory-foam owners are satisfied with their beds. The implications of the math are clear: Many people don’t really care if the sex is lousy as long as the sleep is good.

When I get married I am getting a fucking bed of nails for me and my wife to sleep on. I want that shit to be as uncomfortable as humanly possible. Might not even have a bed at all. Maybe I’ll just make me and my wife sleep standing up or hanging upside down from the ceiling like vampires. Because nothing kills your chances for sex like your lady getting comfortable in bed.

These are new things I’m learning as I’m getting older. Things that I used to consider my friends are now my enemies. Like a comfortable bed. I used to love a comfortable mattress and some fluffy ass pillows. Now I take one look at a comfy bed and all I see is a cockblocking son of a bitch. Wine. I used to love wine at night. Until I realized its goddam liquid Ambien in a bottle. Night time. I used to be a creature of the night. Now I wanna live in like Iceland or some shit because I can get 24 hours a day. Because once your girlfriend gets horizontal with a couple glasses of wine and its dark out, you might as well just go secretly masturbate in the bathroom.

PS – Maybe I just really suck in bed?