Miami Plastic Surgeon Giving Out Cosmetic Surgery “Scholarships” Offering Free Nose Jobs To Single Jews Looking To Fall In Love
(CNN) – The problem for Orthodox Jewish singles, when it comes to meeting “the one,” might be right in front of them. Literally, as in staring them in the mirror. So says a Miami plastic surgeon who recently announced surgery “scholarships” for single men and women in the Orthodox Jewish community. Doing his part to help bring couples together, Dr. Michael Salzhauer launched this pro-bono campaign for his fellow Jews. Call it nose jobs for nuptials. “A big nose worked for George Washington,” he said. “But there are standards of beauty that go across all cultures.” Like it or not, the stereotypical “Jewish nose” is a subject fraught with complex history. No stranger to controversy, Salzhauer was behind a music video about nose jobs that recently gained lots of buzz. So he has no problem admitting that his offer of free surgeries is “very controversial, obviously.” But if the goal for those in the dating pool is to marry and have children, Salzhauer says, getting noticed – or at least not overlooked – matters. All applicants must be referred by their matchmakers, which are common in the Orthodox community. If they are younger than 18, they’ll need parental consent. Financial need must be verified by a matchmaker or a rabbi. And each patient must meet criteria – medically, aesthetically and psychologically – before being deemed eligible for surgery. He says he completes about 250 nose jobs a year, and the news release announcing his scholarship program referred to him as “the Nose King of Miami.”
Well let me tell you what, the Nose King Of Miami Michael Salzhauer and his Jewish Nose Scholarship Society is going to be the busiest goddam foundation in the history of charities. Dude could probably do 10 nose jobs a day 7 days a week in Miami and he’d still be booked up for years to come.
Whats funny about this whole thing is that, say for instance, El Pres was young and single and still dating. He gets offered a special Jew Schnoz Scholarship and Dr. Salzhauer gets out his hammer and his electric sander and his dynamite sticks and he blows up that nose and sculpts a new one like hes working on Mount Rushmore or something. He gets hooked up with a fine young lady who also had that same “I wanna fall in love but I’m ugly because of my nose” procedure. Things are all good – 2 lovely, small nosed Jewish folks are as pretty as can be. Problem is when they churn out a kid they are still mixing up their giant hook nose Chosen DNA. So when their little kids are still rocking a Hanukkah Beak, they ain’t gonna be too happy. They’re gonna demand a free nose job as soon as possible too. Its almost going to breed an entire generation of Jewish kids who will demand a nose job by the time they reach their Bar Mitzvah.
Now that I type that out, I realize thats probably not all that different from what Jewish kids are currently like. All I’m saying is you run around giving out free nose jobs to big schnozzed Jews and you are most certainly playing with fire.