USA Today – The Monopoly iron is going off to that giant linen closet in the sky. The token, a staple of the Hasbro board game since the 1930s, is being retired after only garnering 8% of fan votes in a “Save Your Token” campaign. The Scottie dog was the clear choice for fans and game players from 185 countries, getting 29% of the vote. While the iron leaves the game, a new cat will take its place passing “GO!” and collecting $200 going forward. The feline piece conquered its own competition in a separate vote on the MonopolyFacebook page, winning over four other proposed tokens — a toy robot, guitar, helicopter and diamond ring — with 31%. “We know that cat lovers around the world will be happy to welcome the new cat token into the Monopoly game,” said Eric Nyman, senior vice president and global brand leader for Hasbro Gaming, in a statement. “While we’re a bit sad to see the iron go, the cat token is a fantastic choice by the fans and we have no doubt it will become just as iconic as the original tokens.”
Well we knew this was gonna happen, folks. We knew the fucking cat would win. You can’t leave anything up to an internet vote and not expect a cat to win. Honestly if the Presidential Election was straight up an internet vote, a cat would be President of the United States. The internet is dominated by those fucking cat assholes so this was the mortal lock of all mortal locks. I guess its not all bad – the Iron got kicked out. Not surprising at all. Irons suck. Name one good thing about irons. Oh they make wrinkles go away? Thats it. Thats all they got. Literally the most boring and uneventful ability of all time. Not even close to Monopoly worthy.
Obviously the Helicopter would have been the ideal replacement. A chopper would instantly be the coolest piece on the board, besides the Scottie Dog. Instead its just some fucking pussy that probably would be too snobby to play board games in the first place. Whatever. I’ll still be the Dog every single time I ever sit down at the Monopoly table. If I can’t be the Dog then I flat out just don’t play.