Most Important Technological Study Of Our Time: You’re More Likely To Go To A Strip Club For Your Bachelor Party If You Use An AOL Email Account
Huff Po – People in the U.K. who want a strip club as part of their bachelor party experience are more likely to plunk down an AOL email address when booking the stag of their dreams, according to a new report. A press release from the U.K.-based event booking agency Chillisauce.co.uk, declares “groups booking with AOL email addresses are most likely to book a visit to a strip club. Whereas groups booking with email accounts from Gmail, Sky, personal or Hotmail accounts are more likely to book activities based around pub crawls, eating out and nightclub entry.” A graphic, shown below indicates that, of all the Chilisauce customers planning a bachelor party who use an AOL email address when booking, 25.7 percent wanted a strip club to be part of their night. By contrast, only 18.25 percent of Gmail users in the same category booked a strip club.
Well this ain’t surprising in the least. I know it says the UK but I’d be willing to bet this applies to the US as well. Because all these new age kids with their gmail accounts these days are pussies. Throwing their Jack and Jill parties. Nerds playing Dungeons and Dragons as their bachelor party. Yuppies these days wanna go camping or golfing as their last night of freedom and call it a day. Tony Romo played hide and fucking seek for God’s sake.
But then you got the AOL guys. You know who the AOL account holders basically are? They’re your dad and uncles. They’re the guys who made their email address BaseballDad123@aol.com or some shit. They haven’t changed their email address since AOL 3.0 and Windows 95. They’re a few years older than your average bachelor party crew and guess what? Their lives are fucking miserable. Most of the crew is already married. Have families. Shitty jobs. Probably haven’t had sex or seen a pair of tits outside of their computer screen in about 10 years. And even when they’re on the computer they’re still on fucking pinkworld.com because they obviously don’t understand the internet with their AOL email address. So when the time comes for another member of their herd to bite the dust, there is no fucking around. Nobody is getting cute with bachelor parties when your lives are so mundane that you still have an AOL email address. They want strippers and drugs and women that can be persuaded to have sex with you if you pay them money. They don’t care what the groom’s fiance wants. They don’t even care what the groom really wants. This is their first chance in the past 10 years to cut loose and they are gonna fuckin do it. And you know their booking email would read something like this:
“hi MISTY -
Just wanted to confirm we are all set for Saturday NIGHT. I booked the BACHELOR PARTY package which included stripper’s butt grinding on my dick. Tits in my face. and booze in my system. I want to see ping pong balls popping out of girls
and birthday candles being blown out by various orifices.
Just random capitalized words and too many spaces and broken English and shit because they still haven’t mastered email.
PS – Is there any doubt that if you have a “Sky” email address, you and your friends are the biggest bunch of gays ever? I bet a Sky email bachelor party is like going wine tasting or something.