Gothamist -  The incident took place after 3 p.m. on Thursday in Bay Ridge on Third Avenue between 80th and 81st Streets. The woman in question, who police are declining to identify, was apparently a regular on the strip known for muttering to herself but had never been known to do anything like this. Apparently what set her off was seeing something that said “Free” (possibly “free delivery”) in the window of Dragon China between 79th and 80th Streets. When the cashier there told her that everything wasn’t free the woman started screaming, stripping her clothes off and throwing things around. “This old lady was trashing the place,” Noreen Monier, who owns a nearby store, told The Brooklyn paper. “I told her to stop and she threw a watermelon at me. She had superhuman strength. She said, ‘I’ll stop when I’m good and ready.‘” She really had at the place, too. Reportedly picking up phones, answering calls and throwing money around. After doing more damage there (she even started a grease fire which required FDNY attention), the woman moved to the streets where hecklers egged her on. “At one point, she even laid down on the hood of a black convertible, whose driver didn’t know what to do.” Near the end of the ordeal, just before the police, ambulance and fire department came, she opened the cash register, pulled out all of the cash, put it on top of the oven and started a fire! The guy that owns the hardware store a few doors down ran and got a fire extinguisher to put it out. No one could get close to her to grab the one inside because she was throwing glass bottles at everyone from the coolers in the Chinese restaurant dining room! She was pretty strong too because she even broke away from the three police officers trying to restrain her!”

Ahhh the old “I misunderstood the free delivery sign to mean everything in the store was free and when they told me it wasn’t I got naked, threw watermelons, trashed the restaurant and started fires.” Classic! The last time a giant monster did this much damage to Asians, Godzilla was stomping out Tokyo. Can’t fault her though. That sign was probably written in Engrish like “Free food for no money give us to you.” Meaning free delivery in Chinese speak, but unfortunately that means free food for Grandma Godzilla.

I’m trying to put myself in the shoes of the driver of that black convertible. Imagine you’re just driving through the neighborhood when all the sudden you see a bunch of Chinese people fleeing the a burning restaurant followed by a giant naked old bitch who proceeds to hop on your hood and do snow angels? If thats me I’m hitting the gas so fucking fast Granny wouldn’t know what hit her. Actually she’d probably be well aware that it was my car that hit her but you get the point. Because the only thing creepier than delusional naked old people is delusional naked old people surrounded by Asians and fire.

PS – Throwing watermelons at Asians should be the new version of dwarf tossing. At my bachelor party I want to throw watermelons at Chinese delivery men