SlateAsk a straight man, “How do you like your women?” and it’s unlikely he’ll answer, “Dumb and sleepy.” But according to new findings, these characteristics—and any other traits suggesting that the lady isn’t particularly alert—are precisely what the human male has evolved to look for in a one-night-stand. In an article soon to be published in Evolution and Human Behavior, University of Texas–Austin graduate student Cari Goetz and her colleagues explored what they called the sexual exploitability hypothesis. The hypothesis is based on the differences between male and female reproductive strategies as humans evolved. They set out to test the idea that any indication that a woman’s guard is lowered—that she’s “sexually exploitable”—is a turn-on for your average man. “[T]he assessment of a woman’s immediate vulnerability,” surmise the authors, “may be central to the activation of psychological mechanisms related to sexual exploitation.” To figure out which sorts of women might be deemed most receptive to a sexual advance or most vulnerable to male pressure or coercion, they asked a large group of students (103 men and 91 women) to nominate some “specific actions, cues, body postures, attitudes, and personality characteristics” that might indicate receptivity or vulnerability.  Here’s a sampling of what they came up with: “lip lick/bite,” “over-shoulder look,” “sleepy,” “intoxicated,” “tight clothing,” “fat,” “short,” “unintelligent,” “punk,” “attention-seeking,” and “touching breast.”

Let me ask you a question – when you’re playing the Oregon Trail and you’re in a grueling battle to make it to Independence Rock and you stop to hunt, what are you aiming for? Are you trying to shoot the quick, elusive, unfulfilling rabbits running back and forth all over the fucking place? Or are you aiming for the dumb, slow, satisfying buffalo? Its a no brainer. You’re starving. You have dysentery. You have needs to fulfill and you’re trying to survive. You’re going for the sure thing.

Hunting on the Oregon Trail is no different than trying to fuck chicks. Sure, some times you wanna prove to yourself you can nail a rabbit. Prove that you’ve got the skill as a hunter to take down the most elusive prey. But what happens most often? You end up wasting your bullets and wasting your effort and you end up with no dinner. On the other hand you’ve got the buffalo. Sure, lugging back a maximum 200 pound buffalo back to your wagon isn’t your proudest moment as a hunter. But you’re going to bed satisfied that night.

PS – The fact that there was a panel of 100 men and the most attractive qualities they came up with is fat, short, unintelligent, BREAST TOUCHING and SLEEPY is downright hilarious. Imagine being at the bar and being like “Oh yea, see that one? No no, not the cute one. The sleepy one rubbing her tits behind her…DIBS!

PPS – Absolutely A+ 10 out of 10 analogy from me regarding the Oregon Trail. I’m so good at my job its scary.