Yahoo - If you thought the flu epidemic in the New York metro area was bad already, it’s getting worse. In fact, now it’s even temporarily killing off two of the most treasured past times in youth sports. As reported by the New York Post and a variety of other sources, a Manhattan-based youth soccer club has acted to discourage its elementary school athletes from giving each other high fives or even walking through the traditional postgame handshake line. The reason? Officials are worried that contact from high fives and handshakes could spread flu germs. In an email sent out to parents, the Manhattan Soccer Club (MSC) outlined a variety of ways to minimize flu risks among its players, including the following paragraph: At this point the MSC Board and the coaching staff would recommend that players not shake/touch hands with opponents after the games. The safest thing to do is to touch elbows. The coach or manager can explain this to the other team prior to the game.

Flu Hysteria 2013 continues! And of course its the soccer club going the pussy route first. Touching elbows like a bunch of retards because they’re afraid of the sniffles. I bet kids are flopping all over the field blaming the flu and shit. Look here’s the deal – you know why the flu is so bad this season? Because of shit like this. Because we live in the world of flu shots and hand sanitizer and washing your hands 50 times a day and barring all human contact. The flu is absolutely kicking our asses now because we’ve been living in some gay hygienic bubble for the past 10 years. Instead of fighting the war on germs like humans did the first 200,000 years they existed we’ve just been hiding from germs and now its time to pay the piper.

I mean look at me. As far as physical specimens go, I’m a piece of shit. Rock bottom of human physique. But I’m as healthy as a horse. Because I’ve been steadily building up an immunity to the bacteria of the world by living like a real man. I don’t nest when I take a shit. I plop my ass right down on the seat and do a little bout with whatever germs are in there. I don’t wash my hands after I take a piss. Sometimes I’ll turn the faucet on and pretend if people are watching, but I never really scrub. Just keep my dick germs and doorknob germs so my body can learn how to fight em. I drank from the hose when I was a kid. I’ve stuck my fingers inside everything from bowling balls to ugly girls. I’m ready for war. And all these people who get their flu shots are just like guys on Performance Enhancing Drugs. Just cheaters trying to work the system but when push comes to shove and their drugs don’t do the trick they’re gonna fold like a house of cards. Getting crippled by some influenza because they aren’t naturally fit for it.

If you need me I’ll be the guy high fiving whoever the fuck I want because I’ve got a real human immune system.

PS – Never been a more guaranteed jinx to get the flu than this blog right here.