The Smoking Gun – A New York woman whose two boys were removed from her custody by child welfare officials has filed a federal lawsuit accusing city officials of violating her civil rights (as well of those of her offspring). To make things right, Fausat Ogunbayo, 46, would like $900 trillion, according to her lawsuit, which was filed last week in U.S. District Court in Brooklyn. Ogunbayo contends that her children–now aged 16 and 13–were improperly placed in foster care in mid-2008 after Administration for Children Services workers asserted that mental health problems left her unable to properly care for her children. Contending that she is, in fact, mentally stable, Ogunbayo argues in her complaint that government officials “recklessly disregarded” her “right to family integrity,” and likely caused her children to suffer emotional and mental distress.

Fausat Ogunbayo you need to pump the breaks sweetheart. You know what my mom would have called it if child services took away me and my brother when we were like 14 and 11? She would have called that a fuckin vacation. A week or 2 off. The court would have been like “Mrs. Clancy you have been declared mentally unfit” and she would have been like “You’re goddam right I’m unfit I’ve been dealing with these 2 little assholes for the last decade.” Never mind suing for 900 trillion, my mom probably would have paid them to make sure we were gone. She would have been like “call me when they’re done with this phase where all they do is masturbate and eat and fight, I’m gonna go get drunk for a few years straight.”

Although between the endless amounts of food we consumed and the booze she needed to get through our adolescence my mom probably dropped around $800-$900 trillion so maybe this is all fair at the end of the day.