“My butt is big and round like the letter C and ten thousand lunges has made it rounder but not smaller and that’s just fine. It’s a space heater for my side of the bed/ It’s my ambassador to those who walk behind me/ It’s a border collie that herds skinny women away from the best deals at clothing sales. My butt is big and that’s just fine and those who might scorn it are invited to kiss it. Just do it.”

It was only a matter of time before Nike caved and decided to try and compete with Reebok’s ass commericials. Like no more of these fucking commericals with Tiger’s goofy ass and recordings of his dead dad. That shit is for the ducks. Give the people what they want! Give the people ass! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED??? IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?

Looks like they hired the right photographer for this shit but their print copy could use some work. Fuckin yapping about border collies and space heaters? What the shit is that all about? The ad should read as follows:

“My butt is big and round like the letter C. When cropped in Microsoft paint by kmarko, it is a mysterious brainteaser for the masses to Guess. It is the deal breaker when KFC is deciding if I am hot enough to be featured as the Local Smokeshow. My butt is what makes guys look past my unattractive face. Its what makes old men with no shame turn completely around to look at me when we pass each other walking in opposite directions. My butt is big and that just fine and those who might scorn it are probably white girls with flat asses who are jealous that guys want to have sex with me doggystyle.

Hey Nike, you can mail my royalty checks to Barstool NY HQ. Thanks.