Picture 29

NEW YORK, Aug. 25 (UPI) — A New York comedian said he is spending five days barricaded in his bathroom to kick his addiction to the Internet. Mark Malkoff, 34, said he is filming his quest to spend 5 days offline in the loo and the video will be available to watch Sept. 8th at MyDamnChannel.com, the New York Daily News reported Wednesday. ”A while back, I noticed that many of the things that I have tried to accomplish on an average day were not getting done because I was online so much,” Malkoff said. “I didn’t know where else in New York City that I could go that would not have any distractions or temptations. So I barricaded myself in my bathroom for five days.” Malkoff said his attempt is also proving hard on his wife. ”Initially she went to Starbucks to go to the bathroom, because we only have one in our apartment,” he said. “But today she came in and used the toilet while I wore earplugs and hid behind the shower curtain.”

Hey Mark why don’t you stop being such a pussy? Waaah I’m addicted to the internet! Waaah I’m gonna live in my bathroom and wear earplugs and hide in the shower while my wife takes a dump! Grow up. Bear in mind this is the same dude who once went to all 171 Starbucks in NYC in one day. He’s like a Junior Varsity David Blaine.

Just embrace your addiction to the internet. Shit, thats what I did. I’m not even slightly kidding when I say that except for the hours I’m sleeping I’m either on my computer or my phone. And why not? I mean name one thing thats better than internet porn. Ok, having sex with a chick. You know whats better than that? Having sex with a chick while watching internet porn. Boom. Or today I found the Oracle of Bacon – just type in any actor and it gives you the degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon. Made my day 100 times better. Why wouldn’t you do that for hours on end? Should I sit around and talk face to face with my same loser idiot friends, or creep on facebook and find pretty girls and imagine scenarios in which they end up being my girlfriend? Ummm, Option B, folks.

Did I mention the internet has porn?

The internet is like bleu cheese. Makes everything better.