Gothamist – The Old Homestead Steakhouse, which previously made headlines with an $81 hamburger served with housemade sake onion ketchup, miso & ginger aioli and a side of tater tots, has spawned another successful publicity stunt with a new menu addition: a 12-oz steak priced at $350. Now that imports of Japanese Wagyu beef have resumed (they were suspended in 2010 due to a breakout of foot-and-mouth disease in Japanese cows), Old Homestead claims to be getting the “limited first shipment”—and is ready to charge through the nose for it. Co-owner Marc Sherry claims that there’s already a long waiting list of affluent steak-eating swells flying in from across the country to buy this Kobe Steak dinner. The hype isn’t unprecedented; the meat is world-renowned, and comes from cows who get hand massages and fed a diet rich in soybeans, rice, and beer. The resulting beef has 30 to 40 percent more fat marbling than USDA prime. “Just imagine Fourth of July on your taste buds,” Sherry declares in a statement. “It’s a food experience of orgasmic proportions – really.”

For $350 it sure as shit better be orgasmic. Forget 4th of July in my mouth. It better be like my dick inside someone elses mouth. I better be cumming in the cream spinach after 1 bite of this thing. I don’t care if the cow got hand massages and was fed beer their whole lives. For $350 I can go get my own massage with a happy ending, get shitfaced, and probably still have enough left over for a normal priced filet. $350 and I’ll take care of the orgasm, beer, and steak. Don’t have to rely on steaks giving me a metaphoric orgasm when I can get the Asian masseuse to do it for half the cost jerking me off with Bearnaise sauce.

For real though – if you pay for this, you are a fucking asshole. Anyone who drops $350 on a steak is the same guy who picks the most expensive bottle of wine and thinks that means its the best too. I could eat an authentic cheesesteak for like 10 bucks and be just as satisfied as eating a fat ass massaged cow for 300.