GothamistNew York City’s massive new bike share program is inching ever closer to its July debut. To that end, the city just announced not only the name of the program’s $41 million sponsor (Citibank) but also the program’s official name (CitiBike, of course) and, most important of all, the exact pricing for the program. And if you were thinking of joining up in order to go on bicycle weekend trips to City Island…sounds like you’ll be better off just buying your own bike. When they say these bikes are meant for short three miles-ish trips, they mean it—the system gives members unlimited free rides for short trips, but the pricing skyrockets as sand falls through the hourglass

Lets get one thing clear – the cost for renting one of these bikes is $77 an hour and also all your manhood and dignity. Because riding bikes is just so gay. The only time its acceptable to ride bikes after 8th grade is when you’re drunk down at the Shore and you’re riding your beach cruiser from bar to bar. Those things are the best. Those double-wide seats are like a couch on wheels. The tires are like a foot wide. Just wobbling down the streets sunburned and drunk hoping you don’t get hit by a car. Other than that if you’re riding bikes you’re either a gay cyclist, an asshole bike messenger, or a Brooklyn hipster.

I can’t even imagine how big of a failure this bike share thing is gonna be. You can probably go buy a bike that you’ll own forever for like 80 bucks. And do you know how dangerous its gonna be with all these idiots riding bikes in New York City? That shit is not easy. You really gotta know what you’re doing out there. Its not like meandering around on my beach cruiser. You’re in some of the heaviest traffic of the world. So, either nobody rents these things because they are too expensive. Or everyone takes advantage of the free short distance trips and dies in horrible traffic accidents. Great idea, Citi.

UPDATE: The article headline said “$77 for a four hour ride.” The “for four” fucked me up. I hate when people spell out numbers. For a 4. Much easier. Anyway, that makes it considerably cheaper but its still a horrible idea.