VultureLast night at These Girls, a night of monologues hosted by Glamourmagazine at Joe’s Pub, Olivia Wilde told the audience, which included her boyfriend, Jason Sudeikis, about the end of her first marriage. “I felt like my vagina died,” she said. “Turned off. Lights out … And you can lie to your relatives at Christmas dinner and tell them everything on the home front is just peachy. But you cannot lie to your vagina.” What followed her divorce was a man-eating sex bender that ultimately left her feeling so lonely she considered “a soft kind of lesbian relationship, just gentle kissing and scissoring.” That is, until she met someone — hi, Jason! —and fell “blissfully, hopefully, wildly in love.” Wilde said she was happy in her new relationship, except for the nagging worry that the hot monogamy (“We have sex like Kenyan marathon runners”) might not last. So, in efforts to protect herself, she outlined the rules for Olivia Land, a relationship Utopia: In Olivia Land, relationships can legally only last seven years, without an option to renew. That way it never goes stale. Can you imagine, if we only had seven years? We’d be so nice to each other, so kind, and appreciative and enthusiastic, like we were eating a really expensive bowl of pasta! And in Olivia Land people wouldn’t cheat nearly as much because there wouldn’t be the threat of spending forever with one bedfellow. It just wouldn’t be legal. There’s the issue of kids. Okay this is fun! I would like to legalize prostitution. Hiring a sex worker in Olivia Land would be as easy, hygienic, and inexpensive as getting a pedicure. That way when away on business or just not in the mood, we could just hire a hooker for our loved one and keep them uninterested in cheating and keep them satisfied. These particular hookers would obviously have to be mute and possibly cross-eyed.

First thing’s first, the thought of Olivia Wilde going on a “man-eating sex bender” just made my boner shoot through the bottom of my laptop and out the top of my keyboard. Can’t even put my fingers on the home row anymore because all the keys popped right off. But then she has to go ahead and compare her sex prowess to that of a Kenyon Marathoner. What the fuck is that about Olivia? Now I just picture some skinny Kenyon with a swollen belly and flies on his eyeballs having sex. Boner shrinks immediately back into my lap and now I’m just left thinking about Kenyon’s having sex and a broken keyboard.

At any rate, theres absolutely no doubt remaining that Olivia Wilde is a bonafide freak. Its started when she had no problems to play a sex crazed lesbian on House. In her real life saying how she just wanted to get scissored. Now she runs around talking about how she fucks her man for hours on end, and in her brain has concocted a little sexual Utopia where everyone fucks whoever they want including hookers. Shes the perfect woman. Unbelievably hot, incredibly kinky and she’ll buy you a whore when she’s away on business. I challenge you to find a better woman than that.

PS – If my ex ever went around telling people that her “vagina died” after dating me I’d probably just chop my own dick off. Imagine being known as the Pussy Killer? And like not in a good way. Like the Pussy Shriveler? Yeesh. Thats a tough rep to have.