Osgood: Game one down, up one game. Losers first, Gumdrop. You ready to reflect on Henrik’s shutout and a failed first test for your precious Devils, Mr. High Fructose Corn Syrup? How’d getting your over-confident nut sack stomped on by Ranger skate blades feel?
Gumdrop: Well it’s no secret that Lundy’s chode reaches its full two inches when he faces the best goalie alive and the team wearing red in front of him. As everyone predicted it would be, game one was a war of netminders and boy did they both put on a show. Henry was stellar, can’t take anything away from him, but when Marty’s diving glove save on Staal ends up being the highlight of the night it’s kind of hard to dismiss the goat’s established superiority.
Osgood: Here’s a telling stat you might find interesting, fatty. Brodeur let in two goals. Lundqvist let in zero. Established superiority, my dick. The King’s got your boy’s number. Owns him like humans usually own goats. He’s livestock to Lundqvist.
Gumdrop: Whatever you say, frilly douchebag looking mother fucker. If Lundqvist wins the Vezina this year, they better split that shit amongst all his shot blockers too. I mean, sure he’s good and he made some big saves at big times, but when his team blocks more shots than he’s required to stop, the shutout stat should be asterisked. Typical Queen – gobbling up glory but never from the front lines.
Osgood: Blocking shots and making bagels, that’s what New York does! Cry me a freaking river with this debate over the boringness of shot blocking. When I see a Blueshirt drop to one knee and sacrifice his body for the team, it’s pure pride I’m feeling. Maybe if you figured out how to sacrifice adding an extra six inches to every sandwich you eat you’d understand the principal, but I can’t expect a glutton to get why giving up the body is a noble cause.
Gumdrop: So seeing Blueshirts drop their knees gets you going, does it? Can’t say I’m not surprised. Use the Rags to clean up your face dude, you still got a little splooge slipping down your chin. Shot blocking and shutouts aside, there were plenty of positives to take from this game as a Devils fan. The glass is half full, especially when you remember how the Flyers series started. Eventually their little sit back and defend method is going to crack and when it does, the team dominating offensive possession will be the team winning. The bounces just didn’t go our way today. We need Kovalchuk to step up and play better than the shaky-handed, bobble-riddled performance he put on last night. Kovy’s one of the only guys in this league that can consistently solve a top-of-his-game Lundqvist. I expect him to have a much better game two…
Osgood: The Rangers made Ilya Kovalchuk look like Nikolai Zherdev last night. He’s going to be begging for the KHL when we’re done with him. Just admit that our youthful energy and defensive prowess scares the fuck out of you. Ryan McDonagh will be the stuff of Devils nightmares before this series is over. We turned that piece of garbage Gomez into a certified breakaway killer who can toe drag just as well as anyone in red. And then we have this new kid from BC, I don’t know if you’d heard of him before but he personally murdered your hopes last night with a third period snipe. We don’t even need to joke around anymore about throwing ridiculous UFA offers at Parise this summer to get him in a Blueshirt – Chris Kreider’s the motherfucking future.
Gumdrop: Delayed consolation prizes for the geniuses who drafted Huey Jessimen, congrats on that. Listen, we both know this thing is a long way from over so can we just quit reminiscing about a game that saw very few enjoyable highlights for Devils fans? All this talk about Lundqvist and losing has me feeling sicker than when you got shingles Sophomore year and your every-minute farts made our dorm room smell worse than the set of two girls one cup. I fully expect DeBoer to tweak the game plan for Wednesday and watch the boys come out flying for a series-evening win. Mark it down, Devils will take game two just like we did in Philthy.
Osgood: Have fun with thinking that over the next couple days. I’m going to reminisce about how much fun it was to watch Hank shut your team completely down while you wallow in a puddle of tears and spilt condiments. Go eat your feelings, Gum.
Gumdrop: And that’s your right, Os-terrible-hockey-blogger. Enjoy jerking it to the image of a zero, and when the mental picture morphs into an image of Lundqvist’s loose anus just go right ahead and insert your tongue. I swear, we’ve had an unreal goalie for nearly twenty years and none of us are as gay for Marty as you guys are for your quaffed, Cup-less, Henrik.
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